B.O.M.M.: Mustache Sunday

Despite the efforts of immoral mustache haters in the paper goods industry (follow here to do something about it), we at B.O.M.M. have noticed something marvelous in the world of mustache. Something that all the combined forces of the world couldn't stop. Not terrorists, not the first Iraq War, not even the overblown/underwatched half-time show diminishes the glory, spectacle of this day. The only Sunday that everyone in American holds as a holy day of feasting. That's right, the fucking Super Bowl. Each year millions of dollars are spent on advertising for the fucking Super Bowl, so this day holds importance not only for its football championship ramifications, but also the fragile comsumerism economy we hold so dearly to. Therefore this is not just a football game, but our country's success hinges on the commercials watched, beer guzzled, pretzels eaten, sandwiches made, dip dipped into, during this, America's holy day (thank god the liberal media has not attacked this day, like Christmas). And people drink, dip, guzzle and eat more when the game is well-played, which means our future as Americans rests upon the feathery lip hair of the two coaches responsible for the fucking Super Bowl this year...Bill Cowher & Mike Holmgren. Now, two mustachioed coaches may have met in fucking Super Bowls past...but I don't remember that, so it must not have happened. So it cannot be ignored that this is fucking Super Bowl XL...or extra large because no previous fucking Super Bowl could hold the manliness that two mustachioed coaches bring to the table. Football is already a jam pack manfest, which is why they only play once a week...any more than that, it's manly overload (which is the real reason why the XFL failed because Americans need some time off from this manly experience...and why NFL Europe is thriving...they need a good ole fashioned man injection...soccer...please).

Now, B.O.M.M will be watching the Super Bowl, so who will we be rooting for? Who we got? Whose our pony? Which mustache are we riding? Well, let's break it down a-la ESPN in terms of mustache quality. Let's begin (Bill Cowher, coach of the Steelers, will be on the left, Mike Holmgren, coach of the Seahawks, on the right):

Category 1: School-Photo Type Mustache Display
VS.
Neither mustache in this photo instills me with any confidence or idea how good of a football coach they will be. Both seem happy, though Mike does seem confused. However, Mike does look more stylish though with the collared shirt inside the sweatshirt look. Neither one has the edge as far as manliness (both are quite virile). Bill looks more friendly I guess you could say, which is a problem for the mustachioed, as mustaches create an aura of respect in the viewers, so Cowher has a slight edge...but we are calling this contest between the staches a draw.

Result: PUSH

Category 2: Expressions of Anger While Coaching
VS
Mike there on the left is quite angry. Open mouth, clearly yelling "Hey" or giving some kind of primal scream before charging onto the field and ripping someone's head off. However, Bill...what the hell is that about? That's the look of the devil. He is about to spit venom from the depths of his dark, dark innards. It looks just like he's about to wing a load of poison puddy onto some ref (remember that dinosaur from the first Jurassic Park that spit that stuff?). He Cowher was a snake, he's be rattling and coiled. Holmgren...looks more like an angry walrus. So in a battle between angry snake & walrus, it is the old adage of speed versus strength. And since they will be playing in a dome on artificial turk...speed wins. Advantage Cowher.

Result: Cowher!

Expressions of "Meaning Business"
VS
Meaning Business is different then angry. You're angry when the ref blows a call. You mean business when it's third down, five yards to go, your team is down by a field goal late in the fourth quarter and you need to get those yards to get into field goal range. It's the look your team sees to be motivated to get those five yards and send this game to overtime. It's the look meant to inspire the players to do their best. Mike...well, he's pointing, saying something like "get that first down or I'll poke you in the damn chest." However, we aren't the Benevolent Order of Fingers...we here are about the mustache, and the facial region. Holmgren's mustache and face suggests, well, suggests he wants to play the trumpet. Perhaps he is saying something to his team that if they don't get those five yards...they're going to have to listen to acid jazz later. However, Bill...imagine you are playing the game, you look to the sidelines for inspiration and you see that caveman looking back at you, stalking around, grunting. You get that first down because you are afraid for your life and your family. That face is liable to club you and eat your bones. Don't fuck with that face. Plus, the mustache there is just, wow, magnificent...who knew mustaches could bend that way. Advantage Cowher.

RESULT: Cowher!

Expression of Reflection: Mustache As a Beaded-Curtain to the Soul
VS
Nothing to say about Mike here. It's the best he could do...but Cowher. Wow. That's a thoughtful face. That's a face of poetry, deep intellectual needs and wants. That's contemplation, holmes. Mike looks a little glib. Bill however has a face that belongs on a greek statue of a god or prophet (or perhaps smells something intriguing in the stache). This is a landslide for Cowher in this category.

RESULT: Cowher!

Final Category: It's A Celebration, Mustaches!
VS.
Well, neither one of these two really comes out on top. Cowher looks, well...like some sort of beach community molester and Holmgren looks like he's having a stroke. Which goes to say that both men have difficulty expressing when they are happy and that is sort of sad. These men are so hard, so man, that smiling must hurt. Look at Holmgren...he must have won something, otherwise they would not have dumped water on him...and he's there having a stroke. Cowher...well god, don't let him rub suntan on your kids or play frisbee with'em. I'm willing to bet Cowher is wearing sandals with socks in that photo too. Jeez. I guess I'd have to say Holmgren wins this cause, you know, I like people who have strokes more than molesters.

RESULT: HOLMGREN! (out of pity)

So that cinches it...Cowher wins...therefore the Pittsburgh Steelers will win the fucking Super Bowl. Can't argue with science. So, Bill Cowher, thanks to mustache-in-action comparisons, B.O.M.M. awards you with the inaugural "Most Valuable Mustache in Professional Football Coaching 06". Congratulations, Bill!