SACRE BLEU!!! MONSTRES CHAUVES!!

Amis:

Voyez, les diables charnus qui coûtent à la France la tasse du monde...Ils ont causé la honte mortelle à la science de moustache ! ! Une peste sur leurs coeurs noirs ! ! ! Mai leurs familles souffrent les vies chauves ! ! ! (umm...goto Babelfish for translation)

Fabien Barthez was the goalie for France. Actually, he looks more like a runner-up for a Robert Helford lookalike contest (he's the guy who fronted Judas Priest). And, I don't care how many laws he's breaking, or how many other things we got coming, he could have stopped at least one goddamn penalty kick. It's not like the guy wasn't right in front of him. God. And you know, leave it to this hairless freak to make mustache science foolish. Honestly, when was the last time you relied on a completely hairless person to do anything and was satisfied with the result? Hmm? You got a hairless dentist or something you go to all the time? Some kind of hairless mechanic does cheap oil changes? He can't grow a mustache and he can't stop a ball. Useless.

Zinedine Zidane, supposedly one of the best soccer players ever. Yeah, he's like a rough and tumble grifter liable to shiv you if you look at his shopping cart of cans. How can it be this guys fault for France's loss? In overtime, this guy decided it would be smart to headbutt an Italian player in the chest because that Italian called him a dirty word. Well, turns out, there's rules against headbutting people in the chest so Hobo Z here got red-carded and France had to play a man-down the rest of the game, which made France play for penalty kicks and then that's why that other hairless guy is at fault. Now, look at this picture some more...notice where the concentration of stubble is. PRECISELY! Not on much on the lip, so not much of a man, so clearly not to be relied upon in the clutch, because, just like mustacheless little boys, they sometimes throw temper tantrums when someone calls them a name.

Now, maybe I should blame that guy who missed a penalty kick for France...but he wasn't bald so that messing up that unity I had up there. Two bald men CLEARLY costing our beloved mustachioed Frank his world cup.

Mustache science is now officially 2 for 4 in predicting national championship teams. And, to be fair, a mustache still did win the World Cup and you could say that I picked the wrong mustache to ride, but, so long as the mustache comes out on top, it's okay by me. So, congrats Italia!

VIVA EL MUSTACHE!!!