Copycat: The Hotness

Friends,

First, I hope you like the redesigned blog. It's a little St. Louis Blues with its yellow and blue, but it's better than the drab gray and black. Plus, whenever I say something about the word cunt, this classier format will make it much more hilarious. I hate that there isn't a clear divider between the text here and the links to the right. I may need to look into jumping ship to a different provider as well because the template choices I have here do not please me so much anymore, because all I want is a little more division between link & text, and the ability to control background color too. Is that too much to ask, o great and wise Blogger programmers? Also, you should note that the spacing is fucked up on this particular post. That's a Blogger special right there too. (The spacing problem has since been fixed...somehow, thank you o great and wondrous Blogger programmers)

Also, I should note there will be a suspension of the SiteMeter updates because in the redesign I apparently lost the code to my SiteMeter, so I have to remember how I did it in the first place so we can get back to tracking my progress on the men shitting front.

Now, for the post of the hour. I like following in footsteps. So, I'm going to give you my version of a list that has already been complied by Jorge, Ande, and Tom. I should also note that I wouldn't call my list particularly "classic" TV because I didn't watch much classic TV. I watched a lot of old school Lassie, Dennis the Menace, and some Flying Nun (though I was way to young to even consider Sally Field as good looking). I graduated to Mama's Family, as funny as I found Iola, I could never imagine porking her or one of her toaster cozies.

My lack of classic TV knowledge isn't because I wasn't blessed with Nick at Nite, but I watched what my parents watched for the most part, and if given a choice between, say, Happy Days, and, oh, Wings...I would have chose Wings. If given that option now, hopefully I think I'd read a book. But I'm willing to bet I'd still pick Wings for the nostalgia. Now, in no particular order, my list of women from television who pushed me into puberty.

5. Christina Applegate (Kelly Bundy - ...Married with Children)

Yes, Kelly Bundy. She was a slut, in that she slept with many, many guys. And she looked kind of trashy from time to time, and lest we forget her wall of bangs that she sported. But you know, I loved it all. Because if Kelly came to my hometown, with her slutty trashy wall of bangs, she would have fit right in, and would have easily fit right in. So, my attraction was a little because she seemed familar, and a little because she seemed easy, both were good things at the time.

4. Christine Taylor (Melody Hanson - Hey Dude)

Okay, that's not a period photograph of Ms. Taylor because they were hard to find, and I could have used one from that Brady Bunch movie, but I'm not gonna. And you may not have ever heard of Hey Dude, but I loved that show when I was a kid. Especially because of Ms. Melody Hanson and her exploits on the dude ranch. I even started liking the name Melody because of that, but I have since grown out of it (in fact, the name Melody is a name I wouldn't name a goldfish). And, here's the IMDB link to Hey Dude, because I got a feeling one of you is calling bullshit on this for being a real show...and it was, I swear it..

3. Danica McKellar (Winnie Cooper - Wonder Years)Yes, I liked Winnie Cooper...Kevin Arnold could fuck right off as far as I was concerned. And fuck his Marilyn Manson looking friend, too. She was smart, kind of awkward, very cute. All the right kind of things that made her the most dangerous type of television crushes...the kind you could have a chance with. But then I got fat, she got richer and more attractive, so it was never meant to be. Oh, sigh.

2. Candance Cameron (DJ Tanner - Full House):

Ande may have had a thing for the middle sister, who incidently grew up to be a meth addict (way to pick a winner, Ande), but I had eyes for the oldest Tanner sister. Yeah, she was kind of bossy, and had that cunt friend hanging around all the time breaking shit, but she was still good looking to me.

1. Scarlett (voiced by B.J. Ward - GI Joe) Scarlett, oh that red-headed minx out there fighting the terrorist forces of COBRA. She was my first toy who was a girl, and I don't think I cared at all. Not because she was a bad-ass, or her figure was well equipped (besides, you know...), but chronologically, she was probably the first woman figure I would have seen and recognized as good-looking. Plus, she really could kick some ass, which is always another plus...you know, that independent woman spirit is attractive, and I daresay necessary for covert terrorist hunters like Scarlett. Something interesting about Scarlett, she was voiced by B.J. Ward, a former Playmate, and current opera singer, who also voiced other cartoon hotties as Princess Allura from Voltron (who nearly made my list), Smurfette, Betty Rubble (not in the original series), Velma from Scooby Doo, and Wonder Woman on The Super Friends. Click her name to learn more about BJ Ward.

Okay, there's my top five. I need to give a special shout out to ZZ Top's dancing girls who I fell madly in love with when I saw them in concert. If you ask my mom about it, she says that night you could see me start puberty...not because I had an erection, but because I was gaping at those scantily clad ladies. And, before I leave, I need to post a picture of the woman who is probably the most responsible for flinging me into puberty's dark awkward water...Ms. Kelly LeBrock, or as I knew her, Lisa, the creation from John Hughes' movie Weird Science. Maybe this could kick off a top five women of movies from your youth list (or men, doesn't matter to me...could be fun for you, Diana...I'd like to hear all about your Hugh Beaumont crush).

Ooo, look at that frizzy hotness.

VIVA EL MUSTACHE!