The Lucious Ladies of Letters

Friends,

This question has been eating at me for some time, so I'm going to pose it for good or ill. And, I know this is juvenile, sopping with lockeroom manliness, but whatever, I don't care. It's an idle way to get your mind off your troubles for a little while. Here we go...

If you were to compile a swimsuit-style calendar of the attractive women of literature, who goes on all 12 months of that calendar?

Of course, like all my questions, there are restrictions. Let's restrict this to women who have books from national presses (or pending) and currently alive. So, that means if you think that Anne Rice was smoking hot back in the day, then that's fair game, but you can't pick Grace Paley because she has passed. Also, let's stick to actual authors here, none of this Pamela Anderson baloney.

There are no rules for how you determine attractive. Like if you love Mary Oliver because you think she's an awesome poet and find that attractive and don't care that she kind of looks like Mick Jagger, cool. Go get you some Mary Oliver. I mean, if I had a time machine, and were single, and if Flannery O'Connor was up for it...I'd use a peacock feather to tickle every inch of her southern gothic body, lupus or not.

It's been difficult thinking up my list. I've seen some pictures of A.M. Homes that would make her Ms. Novemeber. And Jhumpa Lahiri is my Ms. July (cuz she's so hot, like July) or maybe Ms. May (as in, Oooh, may I?). And, you know, I think Nicole Helget would be on this calendar, probably a winter month. Pam Houston could work...she seems like she'd be intersting (jean jacket says she's cold, but likes to party). Aimee Bender? Who am I missing? I honestly think my difficulty in cooking up a complete list has to do with my lack of women writers on my bookshelf than anything else. I don't mean to say that it's a testicle-only club on my bookshelf, but as I look around the room for ideas or other names to spur interest, I'm seeing too many "Richard"s. That's a damn shame. What's my deal? Anyway, who you got for the lucious ladies of letters?

And, I'm curious about a men of letters, fireman-calendar too, and if anyone would dare leave Michael Chabon off their list (he's my Mr. July, cuz he's so hot), or be so brave as to admit being attracted to Garrison Keillor (what, people find droll very sexy). And what would you call the hot men of letters calendar?

viva el mustache