September 30, 2009

Lapdances of the Third Trimester


Last night, I actually hung out with people who are not my wife. I know! Who knew I was still capable of such socialization? Well, to be honest I didn't really socialize. I listened to a lot of stories, didn't really share any myself because I didn't know these people that well, and I was having too much fun listening to them. Probably because the two people doing most of the talking were strippers. One amateur who, by the amount of stripping she described, sure practices the pole arts a lot, while the other was a pro, working her way through school.

I never got to ask the question I really wanted to, which was to ask the pro that since she's a college student, has she ever had moment when a professor she recognizes comes into the club. I imagine grad student strippers probably have the same concerns with the possibility of one of your students coming into the club. Anyway, the pro did say that she's had a few encounters with guys who had hit on her, whilst in her civilian clothes, and failed, so they showed up to the club to see her not wearing her professional uniform, saving themselves all the hard social work of getting her out of her civvies.

Other stories were shared, like topless pictures taken by the club with patrons (which reminded me of those "fun" photos they take at Mexican restaurants with you wearing a sombrero, but instead of a silly hat, it's you, a smile and a pair bare breasts in the photo), and stripper bloopers like greasy poles resulting in falls and an accidental bite of another stripper when trying to pluck a dollar off her thigh. There were more, too. Like awkward "couples" dances where a guy buys a lapdance for his date he brought to the club then proceeds to watch it, sulky girlfriends who demand to be brought along to the club then get pissy when the guy tips a stripper, odd requests from the guys like wanting their balls stomped or wanting a punch in the face and the amateur kicking another stripper in the chest while performing a flip, and, of course, guys spanking and/or exposing themselves to the dancers. Also, I learned some stripper inside baseball, like when a stripper goes to her knees on the stage it's probably because she's dizzy from the pole work, or too drunk to stand.

But, the one anecdote that really got me. The pro was talking about a fellow stripper at her club who punches guys in the face with her boob. Not the squeezing of the head between the boobs, but honestly just grabbing onto the side of one of them and then pushing it forward, with velocity and power, into the guys face, like a punch. She's got bruises from it. Personally, I think guys would do it for the story because it may be worth a dollar to some to say, "Yeah, man, a stripper cold cocked me with her tit" and the boob assault not being really hot.

Anyway, so the pro had talked about the boob punch, about shoe she doesn't understand it, then says, and I'm paraphrasing, "Yeah, she's got real big boobs because she's, like, 5 or 6 months pregnant. She's not going to stop dancing until they tell her she has to. The other night she almost had a miscarriage."

Pregnant stripper? Hm. I've heard other stories of stripper weirdness, like one fabled tale of a one-nippled girl, the 50+ year old strippers of the long-closed Dottie's Body Shop outside Fairview Heights, and the knife scars of the Mankato club. If I were on my game, I would have asked more questions of the pro about this pregnant stripper, like lactation concerns and how much money she gets, and if she's giving a lapdance has the baby ever kicked the patron...or do the guys have to pay more since she's like a specialty act, or if the patrons have to pay double since life begins at conception that guys is really getting a twofer.

Anyway, I also learned that I'm never going to the clubs in this area, and probably done with them for good unless I get dragged to one by some future bachelor party or a demanding friend. Candy Girl took away a lot of the interest, but last night pretty much sealed the deal. Thanks for the stories and anecdotes, strip clubs. It's been fun hearing them. But take care of yourself. Stay classy.

viva normal girls!

1 comment:

Luke said...

A stripper gave me a hug once. It was really strange. These people sound bizarre and fascinating to me.