Skinning the Fat Man

Friends,

I don't need it (yet) but I've been thinking about that excess skin removal surgery a lot lately. People like me who lose a ton of weight wind up all stretched out skinwise. Sort of leaves you looking rumpled, like wearing skin pajamas a size too big.

Anyway, I've been thinking about how exactly do they do it. I mean, your skin is all one piece, pretty much. We aren't stitched together in sections. But when you lose weight all over, you get the wrinkled up skin in a variety of places. Stomach, under arms, inner thighs. So, do they slit you open, say on one side, and then just pull the skin to undo the wrinkles, or maybe they smooth it out in sections, like trying to pull socks tight on your feet. This way, I imagine being left with one large seam down one side, like I was nearly split in twain by a large bagel slicer. Or do they do multiple incisions, tighten it up in sections, leaving you all scared up like Frankenstein or a poorly stitched rag doll. Or do they burn it off with lasers. Or some other option I have not yet figured out.

To be honest, I don't want to have to find out, but if I really slim down all the way, I might have to investigate this further so I don't turn into Shar-pei Man or like I'm wearing a poorly fitted Bryan-poncho designed by Buffalo Bill.

viva el mustache