Of Fashion

Friends:

Leggings? Really?

There is mounting threat to all comfort and decency in the fashion industry, and it's leggings. Here's the photo that goes along with this new no-pants trend that some asshole fashion dude is wanting to start. This ain't a Shakespeare play, so I don't think we're going to start bopping around in leggings. Are they aware of the ramifications of making leggings a phenom? Sure, they see guys like the person below in the red pants as their market: (photo belongs to the AP)



So, he looks foolish, sure, but maybe he's feeling free and easy, like he's wearing nothing at all except his good intentions. His briefcase there just full of smiles as his pants cradles his genitals like a hungry snake. But, what happens if this catches on and guys like below start thinking they can wear tights?




What happens then, huh, fashion industry? Suddenly the stores only carry tights, like in the 70's how they only carried bell-bottoms in the stores. Can you deal with the sight of people like Hurley (and myself) being forced into tights for pants? Big and tall tights? Can you handle that? Is reducing the male population's wardrobe to that of professional wreslters a good idea? Really? You may be thinking about guys like this:




But let's not forget wrestlers also look like this:





Holy Christ look at that guy! You want see that swinging around at you...in tights...all the time? Would they have to make control-top tights? There's a lot more of those guys, than the musclely guy in this world. I don't even think I should mention the 'mammal toe' problem that could arise, but I will. What would happen to tender psyche of teenagers who can no longer hide inopportune erections? And you know the ne'er do well teens will cover their crotch area with ink and like cockstamps all over town. And what about the tiny packaged? They'd be humiliated even further beyond bedroom giggles and constant abuse by the hands of Howard Stern.

Now, sure, maybe guys just won't buy those kind of pants. Maybe you're thinking, "Tights aren't for fatties, so why would they wear them? They wouldn't subject themselves to such thing. No Stache' Guevera, nothing will come of this." Oh, really? Remember two years ago when hiphuggers for girls were all the rage? Then you must remember girl love handles, right? They were the overflow of chunk that spread out of the top of low rise pants like sausage splitting out of it's casing. Remember that? How you'd think, "C'mon, get some real pants. Noone wants to know you can't say no to Oreos, darling...go buy a pair of Lee's." Now, the givers of g.l.h should not have been wearing the low-rise, hiphuggin pantalones, but they did...and still do. So let's not just assume that we, as a culture, will wear the right kind of pants for our figure.


What can we do? Nothing. Just nothing. We could grow protest mustaches though, try to overwhelm the fashion people with manliness so they won't attempt to force that onto us. But they might mistake our mustache as validation of the tights. Remember Freddie Mercury?





Viva el mustache.


Post-Script: Friends, when doing your own research into these matters, do not do an image search for "fat wrestlers" or similar things for girl love handles. Turns out, there is a subculture of pornography for those who enjoy the overweight. So, might I reccommend safe-search, for there are some things you can't unsee.