End Times

Friends,

There are a great many thing that, according to me, just should not exist in the world. Not because of my particular taste in people, or beverage, but I'm talking grade-A, end times shit. Things like octopuses walking out of the ocean to become land creatures, zombies, talking spiders, cloning of celebrities (remember Multiplicity...told you it was an end-timer), and so on down the line. Well, I have a new thing to add to my list of things that should never be, for it will threaten the very existence of us all.

While reading one of my daily internet stops, Ain't It Cool News, I saw that one of the regular contributors interviewed Stephen King for some bullshit or another. I'm not a King fan, but he was interviewed by the Paris Review, and there's nothing wrong with making money while you write, so I read the AICN interview. Towards the end, King dropped a huge goddamn bombshell. Let me say that I want to believe that he is kidding. Some kind of weirdo humor that people from Maine think is hilarious. Anyways, they were talking about the weather in Florida before this...but...guh...here's the excerpt from the interview that has me watching the sky for frogs(The feller named Quint is the Ain't It Cool News reporter):

QUINT: Well, if you go out to Louisiana… don’t know what kind of sun you’d get, but the humidity will sink into your skin…
STEPHEN KING: There’s been some talk about doing a sequel to DELIVERANCE…
QUINT: Yeah?
STEPHEN KING: Speaking of Louisiana.
QUINT: They wanting to do a follow-up to the movie or…
STEPHEN KING: They’re talking about doing a sequel to the book.
QUINT: Oh yeah? That’s crazy. That’s something you just never even consider happening…
STEPHEN KING: That’s one of the only reasons it sort of interests me to think about. It’ll be something different. Probably never happen, but…
QUINT: If someone gets a bug up their ass to do it, they gotta get it out some way.
STEPHEN KING: Sure. “This one’s got a purty mouth!”

No. No. No. No. No.

Who the fuck thought up that idea? How do you write a sequel to that? The body of their friend floats up the surface and they have to deal with it? Does some wacked out redneck hunt them down, years later, like some kind of I Know What You Did Last Summer thing? Would they include cheesy callbacks to the original, like they happen across more special corn? Do they go on another fateful canoe trip? What exatly are they delivered from this time? Will the Burt Reynolds character need to die? Does Ned Beatty need to get fucked again, and if so, how do you up-the-stakes on anal rape? Anal knife rape? Occular rape? There are just so many horrible, horrible things that can happen. I didn't realize that a work by a poet fucking laureate would need to be revisited by some modern-day check casher. Sure, King admits that it is unlikely...but he just build the goddamn golem, so it's only a matter of time before some dipshit carves the rune in its forehead and it goes about killing the goddamn townsfolk.

This got me thinking though, out of all of literature, there are stories that could have sequels because the main characters live at the end. So does that mean they are all ready for sequels? Catcher in the Rye 2: Catch Harder? Beloved 2: Electric Boogaloo? Rock Springs 2: Heist Times? Or, what about prequels? Shit, anything with characters could have one of those. The Pugilist At Birth. The Vines of Resenment. And, why not poetry? How about Howl 2: More Howlin', or a Howl prequel : Growl: Howlin' Babies <in cheesy announcer voice> "Meet the best minds of our generation BEFORE they were starving, hysterical, or naked!" Guh.

Just...for the love of god, no Deliverance 2: Uree's Secret. The world already has a Hamlet 2 so I don't think anymore works of staggering goddamn genius need to be fingerbanged by lesser writers for a good long while.


VIVA EL MUSTACHE