Asian Experience

Friends,

I was in Wal-Mart, picking up my Atlanta pictures and picking out supplies for a smallish Risk game Emily and I are hosting, when I found that the sell something called Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt. It's an energy drink, despite the fact that it could also be for some kind electrified phallus or perhaps Seagal's latest display of chubby kung-fu while saving the world with a second-rate rapper friend. (Here's Seagal's IMDB listing)

This energy drink you see, is to, I suppose, cash in on the Steven Seagal image, for whatever that's worth. Now, on the can, it claims that this drink is an "Asian Experience" Energy Drink. What could that possibly mean? After drinking this will I suddenly be considered good at math and bad at driving? Will I get interned if war breaks out with China? Will I want to run over pro-democracy college students with a tank? Have an inflated sense of honor and duty? Enjoy game shows that border on sadism?

And, Asia is a big damn place. Perhaps this drink is more like an India-Pakistan border dispute? Or like a jigger of crude oil? Or take a Zhivago-like four hours to drink?

The drink also advertises on the can that is contains "Cordyceps" and "Goji Berry," but that does't matter because the drink smells like spoiled wet hay, and tastes like throwing up milk. So, does that make it an Asian Experience? Asians are known to eat wacky things in wacky ways (chopsticks...holy cow, what were they thinking).

Anyways, at least it only cost a dollar.

I should also take this moment to say that Steven Seagal isn't just an energy drink spokesman and action star. He's a musician. Below are two YouTube videos of Seagal wailing on his ax. The first one is a music video he cut for a song called "Girl It's Alright." The second video is a clip of Steven Seagal live and in concert, and rocking a flying-V guitar.






And finally, because I'm talking about Steven Seagal, I need to mention this guy named Vern. Vern is an internet movie critic, but tends to focus his particular brand of criticism onto direct to video stuff. But, notably, Vern is the world's foremost expert on all things Steven Seagal. In fact, he's an avowed Seagalogist. It can be pretty damn funny at times too, so it may be worth your time to check it out, if you want some obscenity laced movie reviews. Here's his site and here's a link to my favorite Vern review, mostly because of how he talks about the extra features on this crazy damn DVD. Also, you may wish to scroll to the bottom of the page to see Vern get threatened to a wrestling match by the filmakers.


I'm going to try to finish this damn drink now.


VIVA EL MUSTACHE