King of the Jungle

Friends,





My parents came to visit here in Mankatoland, and it was delightful. It was nice to see them because I haven't seen them in six months or so, but that was pretty much that. What's troublesome about their visits is that I feel compelled to keep them entertained while here. I mean, they drive 10 hours to see me, so they must want to do something, right? What sucks, is that at home, they watch TV and gamble occasionally (and they don't like gambling that much), leaving me few options to keep them entertained, especially around Mankatoland, which despite its thriving bar culture, has little that would appeal to my TV-watching parents (though next time they come up, we're going to go check out some Little House on the Prairie stuff...that was on TV from what I understand).





So, what I decided to do was have them go to the Como Zoo. I've never been, but I've heard good things. And it had to be better than the Minnesota Zoo which had, I shit you not, a dog in a cage as part of their farm exhibit. Seriously, it was a border collie and the sign on the cage said "Dog." It was so sad. Oh, and they have cows chained down there too, because you just can't trust a cow.





Como was disappointing because it was small, but it did change my life, and probably yours too. You see, for years it has been common parlance to believe that lions are kings of the jungle. But at the Como Zoo, I learned that that particular phrase is total bullshit. That's not because I saw a gorilla fight a lion, but I saw an amazing creature there which is clearly the reigning animal of all mammal kind. Behold, the Emperor Tamarin:

MUSTACHIOED MONKEY! Could there ever possibly be another animal that would be the king of the jungle? Could there? Mustache AND a prehensile tail? C'mon. For Christ's sake, whoever named this species even called them Emperor Tamarins because they are the best mammal. And Emperor is a much better title than king, so whoever decided lions were king of the jungle must have known that Emperor Tamarins existed because clearly we all live in service of those great animals. Some people might read that as this particular breed of animal is just the best tamarin, like its empire only extends to tamarin kind, but I disagree. People don't say Emperor Palpatine is just the best Palpatine, and has an empire that only controls other Palpatines. No, that wrinkly Sith controlled the entire Republic. Therefore, assuming that Emperor Tamarins empire only holds sway over other tamarins doesn't make any sense. Emperor means lord over all, and that's what this monkey is because of it's mustache.

What's even better is that this species evolved into a mustache wearing group. They are the only species of mammal that figured out the benefits of the mustache, and then began adapting their entire species to be equipped with it from birth.

And look at those sorrowful eyes to go along with it's drooping mustache. Man, if there ever was a monkey that could write like Hemingway, it's the Emperor Tamarin.

So, BOMM readers, next time you find yourself at the Como Zoo, or another zoo, prostrate yourself at the feet of these noble creatures and pay them the respect they deserve.

VIVA EL MUSTACHE!