You Thought You Had It Bad...

Friends,

I know some who read this have a hard time with the opposite sex. Married, or unmarried, whatever your persuasion or legal situation, relationships are tough all over, from psychologically damning, to sometimes just some plain ole sexual frustration.

But out of Africa comes some biology that makes me feel lucky to deal with the problems I have, and you all should be lucky to have the problems you do, instead of the ones of these bat bugs detailed at the other end of this LINK have.

First, here's the headline: "Bizarre Gender-Bender Bugs Baffle Scientists." Okay, sure I can see why scientists would have a hard time with this one. Also, look at the alliteration working there, oh AP, you got a poetical intern on your hands.

Next, highlights from the article concerning this bat bugs, who get by on sucking bat blood (yeah, take that Dracula!):

"Sex among bat bugs ... is violent. During copulation, males of these species pierce the abdomens of their mates with their genitals and ejaculate directly into their blood."

So, because of that violent, forceful way to procreate, the female bat bugs have become a little reticent to share their bodies. Therefore, in an effort to keep the species alive:

"Male African bat bugs have bogus female genitals—a fact the scientists freely call "bizarre." Past research found they mate with each other as well as with females. Although the sham genitals are convincingly intricate, they do not have a covering over them as real female genitals do."

First, isn't it just like a woman not wanting to have sex, even if it is the only way to keep the species alive, so these poor bat bugs have to resort to growing fake bug vaginas in order to dupe the ladies into receiving their seed. But to be fair, if I had to have my abdomen ripped open by some kind of javelin like phallus...fuck my species, I'd die happy and scar free. So, what do the lady bat bugs do:

"Scientists have now discovered that female African bat bugs practiced gender-bending also by impersonating males. Only one out of six females possessed conventional female genitals, while the rest had genitals resembling the fakes seen on males.
By masquerading as males, females enjoy less sexual attention. Given that sex leads to wounding in these bugs, [the scientists] suggest avoiding the trauma of sex makes sense. Indeed, the researchers discovered females that impersonated males had far less fewer [wounds of love] than more conventional females."

Good counter by the females, certainly. Just grow different fake genitals, why can't human ladies do that when they don't want to be ogled in a bar...just sprout a defensive mustache, and viola, no bar douchebag attention. What's kind of awful and lost in this is that the male bat bugs with the fake bug vaginas are now violating everything in its path in the hopes of keeping its species alive. It must be like living in a world of horny syringes...like frat boys or a Todd Anderson equipped with a scapel instead of a prick. Just thrusting at whatever's in range. My god, the screams of horror that must induce.

Feel lucky you're not a bat bug ladies and gentlemen. Feel lucky.

VIVA EL MUSTACHE!