Mustache Science: World Series 2007

Friends,

First, thanks to those who wished me a happy birthday. I appreciate it greatly. Next year I promise to do something more exhilirating than sitting at my home watching Short Circuit on DVD (Steve Guttenberg's finest performance, yes better than Cocoon...and it put Fisher Stevens on the map). Second, and more importantly, it's World Series time Red Sox versus Rockies. And since it is a major sporting event championship, it's time to trot out Mustache Science again to predict the winner.

To recap, mustache science is basing who will win a major sporting event on which team has the better mustaches, thus having a higher man-quotient (which is the OPS of manhood) and therefore the superior team. And our mustache science accuracy isn't that bad. We've gotten both Super Bowls right (Go Steelers, Go Colts). We missed on last year's World Series (even though I was rooting for the Cardinals). We also missed on the NCAA because Gonzaga got screwed. And, what else, I think we got the NBA finals right when the Heat won it. So, when we've made predictions, we're 3 for 5, which isn't that bad. It's enough to be an expert I think. I'm no Sean Salsbury or Eduardo Perez, but mustache science seems to be just as good of a metric as anything else. So, let's get to it. The contestants!

Representing the Colorado Rockies: Relief Pitcher LaTroy Hawkins!

LaTroy's mustache is faint, and could maybe be disregarded as a goatee (nee cat's ass). But it is not a goatee, it is a mustache with chin-beard complement. Goatess connect at the sides, his does not. His mustache, like all mustaches, is manly in and of itself. There may not be a lot of coverage, but it takes a certain amount of pride to wear a patchy thin mustache, so I commend him for that. Mustache bravery is always appreciated. Makes the mustache seem scrappy. A good sign for his team. This will not be an easy contest.

Representing the Boston Red Sox: Third Base Coach DeMarlo Hale!

Now that's a hearty mustache! Also, the soul patch accent is a fine touch too. This is a classic mustache, just like the Red Sox organization. It's a time tested tradition. Good thickness, no adverb-like tricks to the stache. Simple, yet confident. Neatly trimmed. It has an air of authority to it as well. Good mustache, DeMarlo. Great you could say. What it lacks in obvious courage it makes up for in strength. Clearly, the advantage is in the Red Sox hands.

Now, of course, there are other things to consider. DeMarlo certainly is the favorite mustache here, hands down. As much bravery and scrap that LaTroy has with his mustache, it just doesn't match up to the all-around mustache of DeMarlo. That's a mustache that can play defense, pitch, and match up well against junkballers like Josh Fogg (who inexplicably do well in the playoffs). What else can be considered? This isn't a four-game sweep here mustache science points to. Oh no, not at all. Two key elements of the Red Sox team, David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez, need to be reckoned with. First, designated hitter David Ortiz:

Okay, what do you notice...besides that Ortiz drinks Amstel Light (really?). Right. No mustache. In fact, he has the opposite of mustache...the exact opposite. He grew a beard, then shaved off the mustache part! He's cock and no balls. He's tits and no ass. He's the few of my favorite things without the brown paper packages tied up in strings. How can you do that? How do you mess that up?

I suppose you could argue that he has a skin mustache, or a mustache relief, but that argument won't fly. The lack of something does not always suggest the inverse. I mean, do vaginas always suggest penises? No, they do not. What Ortiz is doing is reveling in his non-manliness...he is making it a point of saying that he is some kind of man-poster, or anti-man. In fact, I'm not fully convince his no-mustache having isn't a subtle clue that he's actually some hormone ravaged woman. Yeah, Big Papi my ass...more like Big Mami. To be willfully mustache deficient when it is clearly possible....just unbelievable. Inexcusable really. It really knocks the Red Sox down to below the Rockies in my book.

Now, even with the mustache black hole that is David Ortiz, who sucks in all manliness in the room (which could explain why JD Drew is on the team), there is still one other player to worry about....left fielder Manny Ramirez:

Okay, you'll have to look close, but Manny is sporting a mustache. A wispy one for sure, but its Manny being Manny. It's mustache being mustache. No denying it. It's there, trust me. In fact, if you watch the World Series (always a good thing to do), look at Manny...you'll see a pencil thin mustache and a little chin-beard complement. Again there's all the bravery comments that I made about LaTroy Hawkins, but get this...Manny Ramirez is actually a good baseball player. Also, Manny makes up for all the man-sucking that David Ortiz does in the lineup. The fact that he posed next to a grill (the mustache of cookery) and Ortiz posed next to a refrigerator (the vagina of cookery) should be enough of an indicator of how much man Manny brings to the table. Shit, his name is MANNY for crying out loud...doesn't get much better than that. Want more man-proof?

Boy howdy! See what his mustache wrought? Do you, heterosexual males? Hm? Notice the flock of ladies...and that girl in the pink skirt on the left hand side clearly touching herself (a true sign of being in the vicinity of overwhelming manliness...at least that's what those special movies have taught me). That's a mustache, an undeniably attractive feature because it asserts strength, confidence, patience and woder. And, another proof of Manny's manliness...notice the douchebag looking guy. Anyone who can handle that kind of douchebaggery with aplomb is all right in my book. Douchebag tolerance is a true manly trait we should all practice. Also, here's another picture of Manny, featuring mustache, or Manny-stache:

Yowza, baby. Yowza. Manny Ramirez cancels out David Ortiz man-void and then some.

So, what's all that add up do. LaTroy vs. DeMarlo (and Ramirez remainder stache). I hate to admit it, because I want the Rockies to win, but LaTroy is the ONLY mustache on the Rockies (if only Todd Helton would shave his goatee down to a mustache). And, while that moxie of LaTroy's is important, and will win them games....mustache science points to a Red Sox victory in six games.

The scrappiness of LaTroy's mustache is indicative of a team that won't roll over, and do their best, so they'll make it close, but DeMarlo & Manny-remainder is just too much to overcome over a seven-game series (plus shitty pitching from their own Josh Fogg). Ortiz and his testostervoid will cost the Sox the two games, giving the scrappy hustle stache of LaTroy a chance in the series, but it just won't happen for the Rocks. Sorry, Colorado.

Mark it down people. Visit your bookies, or legal sport books. Place your wagers. Regretably, Red Sox will be your World Series champs of 2007.

VIVA EL MUSTACHE!