Powerball, The Gauntlet, The Eliminator, Human Cannonball, Joust, That One Where They Were in Those Big Metal Hamster Balls....

Friends,

American Gladiators is coming back on the air. Thank you, NBC. Sweet lord, thank you. Not only have the announced that they will be using BOMM Award Winning mustache-haver Hulk Hogan as the host, but they are currently having open casting for both Gladiators and Contestants. Think you got what it takes? Click here.

In my youth, I spent many late evenings watching American Gladiators. It had everything I liked in wrestling, but with honest-to-god-violence. I don't know how many hours I spent rooting for contestants to beat up Nitro (he always seemed like a prick to me), and rooting for Gemini (the large mustachioed gladiator)to whoop some contestant ass. And it also made me question my ideas of feminity, as some of those ladies, were pretty damn good looking, but also, completely ripped. But mostly, it was about the violence, and one wonderful announcer: Larry Csonka. Behold....Larry Csonka:

Mr. Csonka was the running back for the Dolphins that year when they went undefeated (I think that was 1972). Then, we went on to be the mustachioed commentator of American Gladiators, and thus, became my hero. Anyone who can provide credible color commentary (not play by play, but color commentary) of people racing on all fours, while strapped, upside down and suspended 25 feet in the air, on a track made of velcro, is a god among mortal announcers. I'd like to see Gary Thorne, Jon Miller, Joe Morgan, or any of the ESPN douches even try that. They'd weep at their own futility.

The return of American Gladiators is exciting news everybody, so when they start airing this bad boy, set your TiVo's...shit, break out the video casettes and record this thing, or just watch it regular. It's a wonderful thing, so indulge.

VIVA LOS GLADIATORS AMERICANOS