Pusher Man

Friends,

The Jehovah Witnesses are out today with their Watchtower magazines and readings from Jeremiah about entering the Kingdom. I am never good about defending my soul from the JWs, because they aren't coming to my door to hassle me, they really want to help me and my poor lost soul...and that maybe I'm one of the select 144,000 that'll get to go up to the Big North when the time comes (according to their reading). So I always feel bad about trying to dodge them, and saying no thanks to what they believe will bring eternal life, which, if you think about it, should be a pretty easy thing to sell. But with this particular JW, I didn't feel that bad saying no thanks, locking the door, and returning to the computer.

First, she was a kindly old woman. Now, to me, that's the bad adverb in the glorious sentence of religious recruitment. It's completely unnecessary, especially to me, who is a sympathetic listener from the get-go. The only thing worse than the kindly old lady is if they had a cancer paitent or a team of trained puppies to push the JW doctrine on me. Yeah, she can't help it that's she's old, but when the local JW chapter is selecting their street team, she didn't get on their because she's persuasive, or a Jeremiah scholar, but she got on there because she's an old, old dottering woman who no one would be mean to. Clearly, they were trying to invoke the grandma image in me, which I do not appreciate. Save my soul, JWs...don't fuck with my emotions to get me there.

Second, she pulled that cartoony, foot in the door way move, just in case I slammed the door on her, and she wasn't through making her god pitch (which I hear is like a slider). Now, I have seen, and talked to, a great many religious pushers (mormon, JW, etc.) and the occasional political organizer, and none of them has gone so far as to do the put the foot in the door way manuever. So that pissed me off a little bit because, 1)just because a man opens the door at 6 pm on a weekday wearing pajama pants doesn't make him the type of person who would slam the door in someone's face, and 2) she didn't have confidence in what she was selling or her grandma sales character. Surely, Grandma JW was trained to do that foot manuever from her handlers, but for fuck's sake, how about a little trust? How about a little faith that I won't slam the door? How about not judging me so quickly? And, if you are going to try to sell me something with such an obvious ploy to my emotions, then by god, you gotta believe in yourself. A non-trusting, no-confidence Jesus pusher will never seal the deal, no matter how old she happens to be.

Third, she wasn't a hot woman. Yes, I know that's holding something against her that may not be her fault, and maybe in her youth on the JW beat, she was the smokingest piece of tail the JW's had to offer, but that's not what I got. And I got to thinking, of all the door-to-door bull I've had to endure, especially with religious types, not once has it been an attractive woman trying to sell it to me. In fact, this is the first time a woman at all has tried to sell me on Jesus, usually it's the nice Mormon boys with the funny names and black ties, or the creepy JW fella with a satchel full of Watchtower mags. I believe the door-to-door business could certainly benefit for pulling for a more attractive pool of people, and while it may be shallow...I think I'm more likely to let myself be inconvienced by a reading from Jeremiah from someone that looks like, say, Natalie Portman, than that old lady from Goonies. (For full disclosure, one time a few years back, I once talked to two Mormon boys for over an hour mostly because one of them had the same speech impediment my friend Mike has that I never heard another person have, and I wanted to see if I could get their book of Mormon off of them....I was succesful...but I have since lost the book.) But, hey, maybe Mormons and JWs are an ugly folk. I can't say I've ever seen an attractive one from either of those sects, but I could be wrong...maybe Natalie Portman belongs to one of them...and if that's the case, well then Ms. Portman, I'd like to hear a verse from Jeremiah please...oh, and could you tell me about that wonderful Watchtower magazine.....why I never knew God had a plan just for me...fascinating, Ms. Portman, how delightful.

Oh well, no harm no foul. I am unscathed, and still saved (Southern Baptists believe that once you're saved, you're always saved, so since I was a Southern Baptist, I'm golden, baby). It has actually taken me longer to write about the experience than the experience actually lasted. Oh well. I'm thinking next time I have to deflect lord pushers, I'm going to offer to give them some leads on where the good parcels of souls can be found. No Patels, but the good leads, the Glengary leads....but I'll feel real bad for bullshitting them.

VIVA EL MUSTACHE

EDIT: When perusing Rolling Stones' "Hot List" for this year, I found that there are indeed hot Mormons out there. But, it's not hot ladies, but hot men (and they aren't that hot either...not a mustache in the bunch). Good that they are starting down that road, but let's see some good looking ladies taking the religion to the streets, because if a male model tries to sell me something, I'm going to assume its clothes I can't wear or cologne I won't wear, and not Jesus, American-style (which should be a way to order a hamburger at In and Out Burger). Hot ladies though...they can sell anything from Jesus to vacuums to parcels of land at my front door, I won't mind.