Friends,
Guess what came in the mail today....
This book is already a treasure trove of delights.
First, the name for the return address just read "Butcher." And if you know the "Philly Wants To Fuck a Panda" story well enough, it began with intercourse with the dead panda Ling-Ling...so the fact that this book came from a Butcher is too perfect.
The subtitle of this book: "An intimate close-up of the animal that everyone loves and almost no one really knows." Oh, isn't that so true. That could almost be the subtitle for any hunky man biography, just substitute animal for, I don't know, Leonardo DiCaprio. The sexual nature of this book is irrepressible.
From the back cover is a quote from a big game hunter that reads: "To see a Panda is to love him." Yes. Carnally.
From the back cover: "What is behind this uncanny spell cast by pandas? What power has the panda to make men feel their kinship with other living things, and even make nations move closer together? What kind of animal is this great, furry, giant doll-like creature?" I know the answer to question one....sex appeal. Boo-yah. Must be like thrusting into a bag of cotton balls, only tighter.
From the front matter: "Less than a century ago, a Frenchman in the Himalayas discovered a creature that came to be called "the most beautiful animal ever seen by man." This was the Red panda. Not until years later was the Red panda's remarkable relative, the Giant panda, first sighted by Western eyes in the remotest wilds of China. Thus began the entrancing story of men and pandas." Damn right. And isn't this how all great love stories begin, like Pride and Prejudice. First, you're tempted by one (this would be whichever Bennet sister that lured Darcy to the house party in the first place), then fall madly for another, far more beautiful specimen (that would be Elizabeth Bennet).
Guess what came in the mail today....
This book is already a treasure trove of delights.
First, the name for the return address just read "Butcher." And if you know the "Philly Wants To Fuck a Panda" story well enough, it began with intercourse with the dead panda Ling-Ling...so the fact that this book came from a Butcher is too perfect.
The subtitle of this book: "An intimate close-up of the animal that everyone loves and almost no one really knows." Oh, isn't that so true. That could almost be the subtitle for any hunky man biography, just substitute animal for, I don't know, Leonardo DiCaprio. The sexual nature of this book is irrepressible.
From the back cover is a quote from a big game hunter that reads: "To see a Panda is to love him." Yes. Carnally.
From the back cover: "What is behind this uncanny spell cast by pandas? What power has the panda to make men feel their kinship with other living things, and even make nations move closer together? What kind of animal is this great, furry, giant doll-like creature?" I know the answer to question one....sex appeal. Boo-yah. Must be like thrusting into a bag of cotton balls, only tighter.
From the front matter: "Less than a century ago, a Frenchman in the Himalayas discovered a creature that came to be called "the most beautiful animal ever seen by man." This was the Red panda. Not until years later was the Red panda's remarkable relative, the Giant panda, first sighted by Western eyes in the remotest wilds of China. Thus began the entrancing story of men and pandas." Damn right. And isn't this how all great love stories begin, like Pride and Prejudice. First, you're tempted by one (this would be whichever Bennet sister that lured Darcy to the house party in the first place), then fall madly for another, far more beautiful specimen (that would be Elizabeth Bennet).
I'll spare you all scans of the pictures of panda genitals that are inside this book...they look puckered, like they were in the bath too long. I can see why mating is difficult.
Out of all the Christmas gifts I've given, including sex-toy feet to a friend with a foot fetish, I think this is the best one I've given so far. The only thing that could unseat this would be giving the perfect gift to my future kid(s).
Viva Christmas! Viva pandas, pandas, pandas!
More panda fun from The Onion:
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment