Mustache in Review: 2007

Friends,

Here is, as promised, the awarding of The Best Mustache of 2007.


Honorable Mentions

Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Marquez scored, not only with melancholic whores, but also with the Oprah. Yes, the Oprah, the queen-bee book pusher. Garcia wooed himself into her heart with his mustache, therefore he was an Oprah Book Club selection this year. And anytime a mustache can bring literature to the Oprah and her legion...then it is a mighty mustache indeed. If only there were a mustachioed poet...

Ted Turner

He is the first of two billionaires on the list. It's hard to have a bad year when you're a billionaire. Not to say it isn't impossible, but he could, I don't know, stub his toe really good on a pile of unstowed money, and that could ruin his mood for a while. Ted, and that ladykiller perched on his upper lip, stole the wife of Robert Olen Butler (her name is Elizabeth Dewberry). Mr. Butler is an author notable for his Pulitzer, and his self-importance. Ted Turner's wife theft made news because Robert Olen Butler thought it was a good idea telling his Florida State University colleagues and students what she did via an e-mail, and he threw in a few barbs against her as well. Why did he do it? Well, here's a link to an NPR interview where he speaks about the e-mail. Why do I think he did it? Well, to be honest, Bulter has only been writing these kitcshy short-shorts about severed heads and coitus lately, so he's drifting from the literary consciousness some (though you'd think he'd catch on with McSweeney's), so any chance to hop up and down and demand attention, he'd take it.

Daniel Day-Lewis

This is the first of a trifecta of movie related mustaches. In fact BOMM has dubbed 2007 the Year of the Mustache - Film (Modern Era). Congratulations, 2007! Now, the above is a still taken from There Will Be Blood, a hyped movie based off the Upton Sinclair novel Oil!. This film is getting crazy-good reviews, some calling it an instant classic film, on par with Citizen Kane. Seriously. Now, I haven't seen it and this could be the biggest hype job in the history of advertising film, however, looking at that mustache, and knowing that Mr. Day-Lewis' last mustachioed performance made what is otherwise a mediocre movie quite good, I expect that this mustache will be a mustache for the ages, and could lead him to an Oscar.

Philip Seymour Hoffman

Hoffman is in Charlie Wilson's War, another award kind of film, and from what I've been told, Hoffman steals the show. How could he not with that kind of a mustache. Now, Hoffman's honor is just as much for his performance in that movie, which might earn him an Oscar, but it's more for the fact that Hoffman is doing what I deem to be The Best Terry Davis Impersonation of All-Time. Congratulations, Hoffman!

Vice Mustache of the Year

Josh BrolinThe above still is taken from No Country for Old Men, which is a very fascinating movie. No jokes here. I saw this one, twice, and it's damn good. I'd be willing to watch it a third time too. I've never seen a movie that played with audience expectations so much as this one, let alone the fact that it's beautifully shot, wonderfully acted, masterfully scripted, and adverbily praised. Brolin is great in this movie, but he was in several films this year, rocking the mustache, not only in No Country for Old Men, but also Planet Terror, and American Gangster. He was also in In The Valley of Elah (which I can't confirm his mustachedom). That's a fine, fine year for Brolin, who was best known in film, before this year, as the older brother in Goonies. Oh, and Barbara Streisand is his momma. So, you'd think he'd be the mustache of the year. And, yes, he makes a fine case, but he just missed out. However, being named Vice Best Mustache, if the award winner would happen to be declared ineligible, or have some kind of sex scandal, then the title will fall to Brolin.

The Best Mustache of 2007

Arthur Blank

Arthur Blank is the other billionaire on the list. He is the co-founder of Home Depot, so that's a mustache that knows how to build an empire, just like Ted Turner. And, much like Ted Turner, he owns a sports franchise in Atlanta. However, Arthur has had a real shitty year. First, his star quarterback gets busted, for all ignorant things, running a dog fighting ring. And as a direct result, his team goes into the shitter. Then, out of the blue, his head coach quits midseason to become the coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks. After that, he loses out on hiring a man to help resurrect his franchise to another team who is substantially worse than the Falcons. Add to that an economy could be on its way toward a recession, Blank hasn't had a banner year. So, why the hell would BOMM choose him as the Mustache of the Year?

First, the man needs some good news. At the end of the day, he can rest on the fact that BOMM has awarded him with this dignified honor that we bestowed on Hulk Hogan and Ted Forrest. Second, BOMM loves mustache innovation, or mustovation if you will. Arthur's mustache is unique. It's barely-there quality suggests a sort of fractured pride, which is true of Blank's current state of affairs, but the fact that he wears it shows that he knows he will pull through. He believes that his manliness will allow him to overcome whatever obstacles get in his way. He will allow nothing to stop him, or his mustache. And isn't that what we all want in ourselves? The ability to endure when the chips are down, yet pull from an inner confidence to guide us through. That is what Arthur Blank's mustache stands for, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Arthur Blank is BOMM's Mustache of the Year. Congratulations, Arthur!!!

Oh, what will 2008 bring us? It's hard to say, but I'm sure it'll be mustachetastic!

VIVA EL MUSTACHE!!!