Cable Done Gone

Friends,

Today is the day. My cable connection is gone. No more Food Network. No more ESPN. No more Discovery Channel. No Minneapolis based station. Fare thee well, all. Fare thee well.

And, of course, a brawl happened today at the Red Sox/Rays game so I don't get to see it a thousand times on ESPN. I know what happened because of the mighty internet, but I don't get the wonderful ESPN insight into the brawl, or the top ten Red Sox brawl countdown, or listen to Jay Mariotti complain about it because I suppose he thinks games should be played by debutantes in white gloves (actually this no Mariotti is pretty good, screw you and your shaved-off widow's peak, Jay).

I do want to say that the brawl today was started by Coco Crisp. Yes, there is a baseball player named Coco Crisp, and I think he belongs on Tom's All Douche Bag Team as the backup centerfielder. See, in yesterday's game between the Rays & the Red Sox, he tried to steal second base in the second inning and got nicked up a little because the shortstop for the Rays blocked the base, which is his right as a fielder. So, Crisp, rather than realizing the hardnosed play, tries to steal second again in the eighth inning. However this time, he slides incredibly late and right at the second basemen's ankle. Essentially, he intentionally tried to hurt the second basemen...not even the player who got in his way in the first damn place.

See, Coco must have bruised his ego most of all and just had to fucking act out. Coco gotta show his ass. Of course, trying to hurt another player is strictly verboten in baseball, and the manager for the Rays and Coco got into a shouting match while the manager checked on his hurt player.

What happened today is exactly what should have happened. Coco's first at bat, he gets hit with a ball for being a douchebag yesterday. Good, old fashioned policing of the game. Dipshit, unsportsmanlike shit gets responded to in kind. Coco should know that. He deserved to get hit with the ball for his bullshit stunt the game before. Oh, and he got hit in the hip, an acceptable place to get hit when you're showing your ass. Coco didn't get hit in the face or anything.

So, what does this fucktard do? He charges the mound to start a fight. Yes. Thuggery abounds! Coco was besmirched! Don't you know you can't police the Coco! The Coco is above baseball! He's Coco Motherfucking Crisp, bitch! What!

Hey, Coco. Fuck. You. I haven't done this in a while, but, you know what, asshole, you're mustache banned. That's right, shit-fer-brains. You are disallowed to grow a mustache. Oh, you can cornrow your hair all the way down your back and to your toes you arrogant twat, but leave that upperlip clean to leave your quivering douchehood exposed forever. You aren't man enough to deserve to grow one. So, welcome to the banned club, Coco. Enjoy your suspension, dickhead. It's you, that fuckstick Bolton from the UN (who has yet to shave his mustache), a child molester, and a couple other people who I forget. I got no respect for idiots like Coco Crisp, Carl Everett, Milton Bradley, Roberto "I Spit In Umpire's Face" Alomar, Rickey "I'm The Greatest Ever Right in Lou Brock's Face" Henderson, Angel "Hey I'm an Umpire! Look at me!" Hernandez, and other assholes.

I know what you're thinking. "But Bryan, what about Albert Pujols? Doesn't he pose after homeruns? And don't you love that batflip of Tom Lawless from the 1987 World Series?" First, with Pujols, he doesn't pose after every homerun or make a show out of all of them like one Manny Rameriz. The times where he's really posed, he earned it. Take that Brad Lidge homerun for example. He could have walked around the basepaths on his hands and it would have been fine by me. Game winning homeruns, especially game winning playoff homeruns...you are allowed I think. As for the Tom Lawless batflip? Okay, let me lay some stats on you. In the 1987 season, he hit, are you ready for this... .080. That's right. He couldn't hit his blood alcohol level. And in the World Series? He was 1 for 10, the only one was a three run home run. And it was awesome. Naturally the Cardinals lost the series (baseball gods used to not like a gloater like Tom Lawless and made teams pay), but it was a cool moment for a guy who was a career .209 hitter, and a backup infielder to get that moment.

With all that said, Tom Lawless' biggest claim to fame is probably this below nugget:

August 16, 1984: Traded by the Cincinnati Reds to the Montreal Expos for Pete Rose.

Interesting, no?

viva el mustache

all baseball stats and the info about the Tom Lawless for Pete Rose trade was found at www.baseball-reference.com