The Sporting Mustache and a Condemnation

We here at B.O.M.M initially had no respect, love, or props to give to the National Basketball Association (NBA). We feel that if the sport involved skill, strategy (besides "give the ball to the tall guy" or "give the ball to the fast guy"), a half-hour shorter, 6 fewer teams, 2 fewer players on the court at one time, bonus points awarded for style, actual defense (not this allowing 90 points defense stuff), adopting a "no harm, no foul" foul system, 10 fewer timeouts, louder and flashier entrances for players, and limitations on who can be drafted like in the NFL since NCAA basketball is the minor leagues of the NBA, then we would enjoy the game. However, despite our former dislike, it has been recently shown that the NBA is a haven for the mustache, therefore worthy of B.O.M.M recognition. In fact, several of the NBA's all-time greats sported the manly `stache. Behold:

Julius Erving...Charles Barkley...Michael "Friggin" Jordan...Larry "Blonde Stache-a-roo" Bird. Those are just the ones I wanted to post. Patrick Ewing rocks the stache. Wilt Chamberlain was The Stache Man. He was wearing the stache when he scored 100 points in one game. He later moved to a goatee, but it look more like a stache with chin-beard compliment and no real connection at the corner of the mouth. But, the most impressive thing about Wilt was his stilt, if you know what I mean. He claimed to have slept with 10,000 women. Whoa. That's about a 1 out of 250,000 chance that he slept with your mom. Your mom has less of a chance to be struck by lightning than being struck by a thunderous Wilt Chamberlain slamma-jamma, if you know what I mean. I am certain that there must have been lesser players with fantastic mustaches, but the cream of the NBA crop, their elite, best of the best, all have mustaches. Not a coincidence. Football's greatest are not mustache wearers...unless you believe Herschel Walker or Warren Moon among the iconic footballers. And though major league baseball is the sports leader of mustache with Rollie Fingers' handlebar, their icons do not wear mustaches. Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Mickey Mantle, Stan Musial...no mustaches. True, Barry Bonds was mustachioed when his Hall of Fame career began in Pittsburgh, but that was when he was human instead of a bag of chemicals with a hat size of 14. Not a coincidence that when Bonds became a cheating douchemaster that his mustache disappeared. Probably on account of the steroids, which happen to have a side effect of shrinking the testicles, where the stache hormones reside. No balls: no stache.

Also of note is the NBA's Phil Jackson, zen master and coach of the Lakers. He has always sported a mustache, and was in the running for the B.O.M.M. inaugural Best NBA Mustache (current) o5 award, as evidenced with the following photo:

Phil is the guy with the mustache. Pretty full, nice little soul-patch to accent the top lip. Quality. However, the award must go to Shaquille O'Neal for going a step beyond the common bravado necessary to sport a mustache. Shaq wears the Molestache, a mustache brand favored by people who ride motorcycles, fix motorcycles, make motorcycles, and eat meat from a can. Now, wearing a molestache does not make you a molester, it is similar to say, a Wife-Beater. Just because you wear a white tank top does not give you a primal urge to beat a wife, but rather it is stereotypical garb of one whose personality trends towards wife beating. Same with the Molestache. In fact, many molesters, like many actual wife beaters, do not wear molestaches. For example:

That man's name is Michael J. Falcetti. He was found guilty of predatory sexual assault. He does not have a molestache, instead a regular mustache. However, he is a terrible, vile, vomit-inducing person. In fact, Michael J. Falcetti, I and the members of B.O.M.M revoke your mustache rights for you give mustache a bad name and your general assholishness. Fuck you, Michael J. Falcetti. Fuck you with something very hot, like a sack of lit charcoal. And who the fuck gives a gummy smile like that for their "I molested someone" photo. Christ, this fucking guy, Jesus. He is a decidedly unmanly fuckstick. He is the recipient of the inaugural Mustache Defamation and Revocation Notice. B.O.M.M and all mustachioed kind says in one united voice: "Fuck you, Michael. Fuck you hard." We'll be waiting for your non-mustachioed photo as you aren't worthy to wear such a beautiful manly thing.

So, to end on an upnote. Here's the picture that won Shaquille O'Neal the first ever B.O.M.M Best Mustache in Basketball O5 (Current):


Yeah, it's a small pic, but check him out. He's proud of his mustache, and he should be. He's also, in high-school girl hyperbole, like-oh-my-god-the-biggest-person-in-the-history-of-the-world-seriously. Some may say the actual tallest person in the history of the world was this guy from Alton, Illinois called Robert Wadlow (a.k.a the Alton Giant) who was something like 10 feet tall, but Shaq is strong like bull. I mean he's huge, he's rich, he wants to be a cop, one of his shoes can hold two gallons of milk, that's all man, that's all mustache. Congratulations Shaq!

Viva el mustache!
(except for Michael J. Falcetti who lives on Princeton Street in Collinsville, Illinois...That evil cocksucker can drown in lava, fuck'em with a jar of tabasco or eight mad cats)

If you want more information about Illinois child molesters, rapists, people who sleep with drunk girls and other human scum go to the following website address. You can search by city, county, name, to see if any live in your area. Illinois Sex Offender Registry