First Ever B.O.M.M Obituary Notice

Michael Vale, mustachioed man, died. I assume recently since I saw it on the news this morning. He has appeared in over one thousand television commericals and some theater. But he also played the enigmatic "Jewlery Salesman" in the classic Marathon Man, as well as a few television appearances on 3-2-1 Contact and the Cosby Show. However, he is most famous for playing Fred the Baker who makes donuts for Dunkin Donuts. While his potrayal was said to bring to light the horrors for the bakery profession, his dialogue and performance was trimmed by the Dunkin Donuts corporation in order to push their product. An example of one notable performance, when delivered in full: "Time to make the donuts for my bosses who refuse to automate the procedure, thus robbing me of the opportunity to advance my own career through education or perhaps earn a higher wage by learning to repair and service that hypothetical donut machine, which would spare me the humilation of wearing this hat, this outfit and allow me the time I need to spend with my family as we struggle to meet our basic needs due to the fact that my skill set has only opened the door for an entry level donut maker position. Lo, how I regret my poor decisions in life, if only more opportunity was available to me." Other performances were said to include codemnations of the police, captialism, abortion rights, foreign policy initiatives and communism: "Time to make the donuts, but not for you pinkos!" Probably his best known delivery, which was inadvertantly shown in 1981 during a Monday Night Football broadcast: "Time to make the donuts, for those fat fucks." While it did stir some controversy, the Dunkin Donuts corporation was able to spin it to mean that they were concerned for the health of Americans, and yielded their donut empire to Krispy Kreme.

Rest in peace, Michael. The mustachioed community will miss you, and your defiant wearing of a modified Hitler (though he had been known to wear a Traditional stache as well) has served as a light for all of us daring to dream and live life mustachioed and free of ridicule. You will be missed. (As with the Molestache, the Hitler does not necessarily translate to an irrational hate of Jews, Gypsies and other ethnic minorities. It is just another mustache with a poor history that we here at B.O.M.M are determined to change. Also, let it be said that Michael Vale had no known plans to irradicate six million Jews and five million other ethnic minorities in a plot for world domination, therefore he transcends the history of his mustache. Well done.)

(1922 - 2005)

Farewell.