Mustache a la Iron

Once upon a time, a Japanese man decided to play a character named Chairman Kaga, and in the guise of that character circled the globe to cobble together an unholy alliance of culinarians to compete with lesser chefs on television and dominate the programming of the Food Network five years after the show's initial run in Japan. It was a convulted dream by the Japanese man...but it worked. Now, how did Japanese man's dream really come to pass? How can a cooking show starring four other Japanese men be successful without animation, kung-fu or a Carradine? May I guide your attention to the man on the far right in the red hat.

That man is named Hiroyuki Sakai...Iron Chef French...The Delacroix of French Cuisine...and, Mustachioed Mullah of Meat. He's the only mustachioed Iron Chef, including it's lame bastard child incarnation Iron Chef: America. Mario Batali? Bah! Beard wearing ninny. Bobby Flay? Fuck'em. He eats grits. That lady chef...please, what do women know about cooking. And Masaharu Morimoto wears silver, therefore making him the second best chef. Those three Japanese chaps standing in Sakai's shadow...please, they can't hold a chopstick to Sakai's greatness. Look at that doe-eyed fella on the far left with his Italian colored hat. Do you remember what happened last time Italians and Japanese got together on things? Yeah, we don't need that because America has enough freedom to fight for now without some facist noodle-slinger stirring up Axis-ish thoughts. That dude in the yellow...Chen Kenichi...please. You know who else wears yellow like that? Do you? Nobody, that's right. He's a douche trying to be different. Morimoto there has already been served.

Our mustachioed chef earned a record of 83 wins and 7 losses on his tenure on Iron Chef. 83! That's a man who can cook, baby. You want some squid ink pasta...Sakai...maybe some crab brain tortelini...Sakai...how about a creme brule made from lamb intestine...Sakai. His cheffery knows no bounds and he keeps mustache hair out of his dishes, which is a mortal fear of all mustachioed cooks. But why do people love his gourmet creations? Well, it's obvious. The judges are rapt in the manliness of Sakai when he presents his dishes. They look up from their steaming pile of whathaveyou....then they see that mustache and realize they get to taste the wonder of a real man. They get to literally drink the man aura of his mustache in. So we sit, watch this show with envious of his cooking talent and envious of the judges as they are basted in the power of the Sakai-stache. His manliness is why, on every Iron Chef, there is that one Japanese girl, she's usually a young actress, and when she tastes Sakai's goodness...she giggles, puts her hand to her mouth and says, "Oh, so good." Why? Because Sakai is a man. A cooking man. A mustachioed man.

It should also be noted that Sakai is an expert in the food of the language of love. It is not a mistake that a mustachioed man knows love so much. Why else would there be such a thing as a "porn mustache?" Because mustaches are manly, and every good porn needs a wad of manly in it. Why do you think Ron Jeremy is an icon of that industry? He's a man and shows it with his mustache before you ever see the Hedgehog in his dirty, dirty action. Mustaches are for lovers. Sakai and Jeremy prove it. Now, enjoy a small collection of Sakai's mustache.

Sakai enjoying his coffee. (And we enjoy his mustache)

Sakai expressing the happiness only a mustache can give...and perhaps a hole in one.

A stately Sakai preparing for battle.

Here's to you, Sakai. The inaugural recipient of the Best Mustache of Japanese Cooking Shows 2006! Congratulations, Hiroyuki!

For more information on Mr. Sakai, follow that link.

Viva el mustache.