Fey S&M = Mutant Powers?

I watched X-Men 3 tonight. And, that's about as much as an endorsement as I can give it. I watched it...I can say that.

First glaring problem...apparently the near future is a mustacheless universe because not single mustache was featured in this film. None of the major players (if any of them were major players) sported one. You mean to tell me that Wolverine can have claws shoot out of his knuckles and grow some serious mutton chops and can't do a mustache? Isn't he supposed to be some kind of raving Id? What's the fucking deal with that? Wait, there was Stan Lee's mustache in this film, but his mustache hangs over all of us like a benevolent, bushy god, that sees all, knows all, and has crumbs in it from all our sandwiches.

Second glaring problem...no Nightcrawler. I'm not a comic book nerd, but I remember the cartoon X-men when I was a kid, and friggin loved that show. Favorite two X-Men, Collosus and Nightcrawler. Because I was a kid, it was probably because they talked with funny accents, but I grew to like the more subtle elements of their character. What sucks about not having Nightcrawler is that his whole bag in X2 was that he wanted to be normal, and X3 is all about curing mutants. Talk about emotional weight right the fuck there. And you know, there could have been the reveal that Mystique was Nightcrawler's mom and how she's cool with being a mutant, so there's drama WITH mama's here. Plus, they can shapeshift and hop around and shit. My god. It would be like that movie Affliction, only with superpowers.

Third glaring problem...Phoenix never catches on fire. I don't know about you, but to me, if you're gonna have Phoenix in the movie, or even have the scrote to have a superpowered character named Phoenix, and you don't use fire...that's just about like having a Superman movie where he doesn't fly. I mean, what the fuck. Or it's akin to this direct to video movie I watched about a poker pro/drug addict. The poker guy won a couple WSOP bracelets, then died of drug use, so you think that would be a poker movie, right? Nope. He plays gin with Pat Morita. Seriously. What the fuck.

Fourth glaring problem...personality shifts. Professor X's inexplicable shift in personality. He is a dick in this movie, for really no reason. It did make me want to see Patrick Stewart play a bad guy in a film, but he's the Professor. Maybe Patrick Stewart and Ben Kingsely can go make some coke-whore-murder road movie. Anyways, Professor X is not some right bastard, as portrayed in this flick. And, they really ruin Magneto. I'm not talking about how he meets his demise, I mean, some how they manage to suck some life out of him. He was such a giddy evil fuck in previous films, and you liked him that way. Not so much here. He even gets to mutter the worst line of dialogue for a villian...the stock, "What have I done?" Yeah, that conveys regret. Whoo, knocked that one right out of the park there. How do you even deliver that line? If there is an opportunity for that to come up in real life situations, it sounds hammy and cheesy then too. And they fuck with Mystique's character as well. They make her bad-ass, but when she has her "turn", oh god, was it manhandled. Its nearly a throwaway, and there's no feeling to it.

Fifth glaring problem...Juggernaut is British? Seriously? I wasn't aware. I thought all Brits were pretty much like Eddie Izzard. Sometimes they wear dresses, sometimes not. But they aren't these big hulking things. Not the Brits. They drink tea, they have crumpets. They shake their heads at the overly stylized films of Guy Ritchie and say, "Good God man." And why did they have him say, "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch." Yeah, it's from that internet video that I will not link here. It's on YouTube if you want to see it, but it's not that funny. A group of guys dubbed over an X-Men cartoon by making them all sound like your stereotypical street guy. They all say bitch and fuck and bitch again and fuck. This is what goes as an internet phenomenom these days. Remember the Hamster Dance? Now that was fucking inspired.

Sixth glaring problem...movie pretty much sucks. Yeah, maybe that should be number two after the mustache thing. Don't get me wrong, it had moments of kick assery, but lets not rush to give it good thumbs up because if you know anything about these characters, even from the other films, you know the potential for story here that just isn't delivered and it is such a kick in the nuts. It's easy to dismiss mutant powers and this whole comic genre as big dumb candy and fun, but it can be so much more, especially in film, if some care is taken with it. And what was with the Magneto's posse of ravers who happened to be mutants? Fishnet shirts are only to be worn by professional wrestlers, flamboyanly gay men on vacation and maybe fishnet shirt models. But, not mutants. Not mutants with a really swishy curlicue on her forehead. Yeah, we all know that this whole X franchise and the whole deal of curing difference is essentially a gay parable and how being gay is not some great horror to be controlled and changed, but with the thunderclapping-fishnet-girl/guy (gender never really overtly assigned), it really parades that theme out there with a diamond-studded collar which was completely unnecessary. I'm surprised they didn't have that character sashay around and declare people fabulous. And my last complaint...god, that was a fast, fast, fast movie. Considering all the characters, especially all the new ones added, this thing friggin blew by without any reason to be that fast. And it hurt a lot of characters, especially Angel who got a brilliant set up and a piss-poor pay off. That movie needed another 30 minutes, and a better script. Jesus, why didn't they ask me to write it? Clearly I would have done a much better job.

Tis all. Go waste your money on it nonetheless. It's going to make 500 million dollars, and you don't want to be the one guy or gal who didn't see it, do you? Hmmm?

Viva El Mustache!!!!