My Vain Attempt

First, I would like to thank Natalie for noticing that mustache is spelled without the O because men MUST have a mustache. Oh, she is so right. Unfortunately, if you separate mustache into two word you get MUST/ACHE. Ache, of course, is a bad thing. Who want's aches besides old men? But the real kick in the testicles is that if you say MUST/ACHE it sounds a bit too much like MISTAKE....which is the last thing a mustache could be considered (except for the ladies).

Second, I decided it was time that I bought a cool pair of shoes. So, I went to Zappos to order me some fantastic shoes. And I found that there exists a brand of shoe called Macbeth. Now, the name alone would suggest that I, who fancies himself a writer, shoud love these shoes...Macbeth being a might fine Shakespeare play. So I perused the site, and found that they sell Vegan shoes. I'm not a Vegan, but I can get down with the liberal bent on shoe-making that these Macbeth people are shooting for. Only hippies would be Vegan shoes, and ain't nothing more liberal than a hippie (if I ever see a conservative hippie, I'll eat a hat...and Libertarians are NOT conservative hippies, they are old school Republicans).

So, here I am, clicking away on the internets, found a liberal shoe company with an aethetic similar to my own. So, I find these shoes. (Click here for pic) They look plenty nice, so I order'em. And then I wait with bated breath the 4-5 days shipping. I even brag to people that I will be getting Macbeth shoes in the mail. But, lo, I was fortune's fool. (yeah, that's from Romeo & Juliet, but it's Shakespeare, c'mon, roll with it).

They arrive and I'm all giggles. They are in a bright orange box, and it came with a sheet of stickers promoting the Macbeth brand and various emo bands. So I whip out my clipboard and use and layer on the stickers so whenever I use my clipboard, people will know that I have Macbeth shoes, something they don't, won't and can't have. I try on the shoes, oh, they are a big big, but no problem, I'll just tighten them down a little bit in the morning and it'll gravy, or so I thought. The next day I ratchet down the shoes and I hustle out of the house, but they still slip a bit. No problem I thought, I just got to tigten them more when I get to work. So, I do..overdo it a bit to where the eyelets dig into my feet a bit, but, they don't slip, so hey, all for fashion. Well, I can't handle it and for the rest of the day play a little tightening/unloosening dance with my shoes (and the slip with each step irregardless). I suffer through another day and devise a plan...stuff pantyhose into the toes of the shoe to fill up the extra space, and they won't slip. Yeah, that didn't work either. Next, Emily and I went to Wal-Mart and bought these things specifically designed to not make your shoes not slip (they are essentially rubber stickers, and we bought two different kinds), and I affixed those inside the heel of my shoes.

Those rubber stops grated my heels like cheese. People who walk on coals don't suffer this much. These things were crippling (and they slipped). So, we went to Kohl's and bought me some Vans.

I've come to the conclusion that fashion sucks, it hurts and it's expensive. And hippie shoes suck, no wonder why they write bad poems. And Dr. Scholl's is a scam artist. And after all that, I got these stickers on my clipboard and I'm gonna look like a tool with all those stickers on my clipboard supporting shoes designed to punish Jews during the Inquistion. I was Banquo to these Macbeth shoes. O, how they did trouble. And, you know...this is what I get for trying to be cool and different.

VIVA EL MUSTACHE!!