The NLCS I Dread...

Friends,

My beloved Cardinals whooped up on the San Diego Padres. We all should have seen that coming because don't Cardinals outrank Padres in the Catholic power pyramid? So I'm fairly certain that if the Padres had won it would have unmade existence because it would have proved God fallible...just like in Dogma.

Now the Cardinals have to the face the Mets. The friggin' Mets. I rooted for the Dodgers during the Mets V. Dodgers NLDS about as hard as I could. I may have even said "Go Dodgers" with enough sincerity to fool some people. But it wasn't to be. So now I have to decide which team will win the NLCS. Will it be Tony LaRussa's club or Willie Randolph's?
VERSUS

Well, shit. You will notice the lack of mustace on Tony LaRussa and the very much present mustache of Willie Randolph (the Mets manager). Mustache science, right there, says the Mets will win. Plus, Willie has already defeated a non-mustachioed manager in Grady Little (the Dodger's manager....yes, Jeff Kent has a mustache but manager's have the real power). Furthermore, last year's champion manager, the swearingest, gay-bashingest, manager of them all, the White Sox's Ozzie Guillen, won the World Series because of his mustache handily (defeated the equally mustachioed Phil Garner and his Astros, proving again that pitching wins titles) The real kicker in this series is that Tony has NEVER had a mustache, and Willie had one for a long, long time. Proof?

See? Willie Randolph in player form with a mustache. I mean, when did he ever play for the Brewers? Yeah I could look it up, but jeez, that's a testament to mustache longevity. The man loves his stache and has had it for years....that's awfully commendable.

This artifact could be from 1963 thru 1971 when Tony played for the A's. In 63, the A's were still in Kansas City and I believe they wore red and blue colors instead of the green and yellow of today, so by looking at Tony's collar, this may be from 1963, when he made his major league debut. So, anyways, that's 43 years ago and he didn't have a mustache then...he doesn't have a mustache now...he didn't have on in 1995 either. Proof?
I tell you, the moment there is the Johnson Writing Safari video game, you better believe I'm sporting a mustache on its cover. LaRussa here clearly has no mustache (and will also lose the argument with the umpire due to that). I mean, if you don't have a mustache on the cover of your video game...then when will you? His manliness, like his management of a bullpen, is in serious question.

But, after all that. I'm still rooting for my St. Louis Cardinals, even if mustache science clearly points to a resounding Mets victory. I mean, it shouldn't even be close. If I were predicting by mustache science this time, I'd have to say the Mets would win in 3 games because the StL would be too embarassed to play a game four. So, why am I rooting for and predicting a win for the Cards?

Because Tony loves puppies, and so do I...which means we could totally hang out and be friends:

And he knows how many go in the pink:


That's right.

VIVA EL BIRDOS! VIVA EL MUSTACHE!