January 3, 2009

Bad Music Sunday


I got nothing much by way of preamble this week. Except, Barry Hannah has a new book coming out there year called "Sick Soldier at Your Door." It's excerpted in the massive Fall/Winter "Gulf Coast" magazine, along with an interview with him that really should have been edited. So, if you're just going to buy two books this year, make it Diana Joseph's I'm Sorry You Feel That Way and Barry Hannah's Sick Soldier at Your Door. (Well, you should buy three...Nicole Helget's Turtle Catcher will be worth your dollars, too). Now, on with the show:

Spandau Ballet - True
Over two million times this video has been watched on YouTube...why?

John Waite - Change
Yes, true, this was featured in the film version of Vision Quest. It's still John Waite though.

Red Rider - Lunatic Fringe
Let me say right off, this song isn't that bad. But this video is laughably incompetent, even for the era.

ALDO NOVA - Fantasy
I love that his guitar shoots lasers, but I love it more that there is apparently a safety on his lastar (gui-ser?). Also, doesn't part of this thing sound vaguely like "Janie's Cryin"? Oh, and it was either this song or "Children of the Sun," which might wind up on a future BMS.

Alcatrazz - God Blessed Video
Found turd. featuring Steve Vai. Is this Christian rock? And why is that demon wearing a hat that advertises ribs? Are ribs evil?

Autograph - Blondes in Black Cars
You know this band for their seminal hit "Turn Up the Radio," which I would never dare to put on Bad Music Sunday because I think Dan and Jorge would drive to Madison just to punch my in the mouth. But this one...this one belongs.

All 4 One - I Can Love You Like That

All 4 One - I Swear
Settle back into your chairs boys and girls, time for an anecdote. This is back when I was a good Southern Baptist boy, something like sophmore in high school, maybe freshman, I can't quite remember, but it was early into my Baptisting.

Anyway, every year at my church, they had a Valentine's Day dinner where all the teens of the church would have a romantic dinner (under adult supervision) prepared by some church people, served cafeteria style and entertainment (Christian-tainment, surely with adult supervision), but really the whole thing was like a talent showcase for the youth group. We filmed commercials. Some people sang. Comedy routines as well. It was a whole to-do. People even got dressed up in their finest collared clothing. Well, some of the kids wanted to do a lip synch to this All 4 One song (yes, it is a cover, big whoop). In fact, they had practiced it. Developed choreography (simple R&B stuff like walking around a folded chair, but perfectly synchronized with other. But, one guy dropped out, case of stage fright last minute. Couldn't lip synch his part in front of the 25 people in the church basement.

So, I'm chosen to fill in for the guy. I know I didn't volunteer, and I think I was told something like how my girlfriend would thing it was romantic that I lip synched this song. So, yeah, I did it. I was a bit part, lip synched my section soulfully, walked around that chair brilliantly. The star of our little troupe was this boy with physique like a racquetball named Steven Atteberry, who really Gerald Levert-ed his performance, sweating, eyes closed, shaking his fists.
Best part is...no one laughed. We got applause. It was enjoyed...without irony because we weren't being ironic. It was sincere, dammit, for it's part. And those people loved it. So much, Steven and I concocted a plan to do a different song the next year by Weezer, of course (can't remember which one, but it was off the blue album).

We had this whole elaborate deal set up where we called ourselves "The Knights who Say Ni" (Clever, right?) and had cardboard instruments, and cardboard helmets like the Knights Who Say Ni guys in the Holy Grail we even had this plan to hit someone with a pie for some reason because that shit, pie to the face, always funny, no matter the context. We were going to be the stars of that fucking show. We get up there in our cardboard gear, looking like stars. Lights on, music leaps to playing...Steven clams up. Doesn't mouth the words and since he's our lip-synching lead singer, sort of screws everything up.

Our drummer then start's acting the fool, beating his drum kit of cardboard and trashcans too hard with his sticks. This pisses me off because this is serious, dammit. This wasn't a goof. this was I Swear, with cardboard helmets! Goofing on the drums was not the joke! Argh! So in my embarrassed and confused adolescent rage, I turned and hit the drummer right across his stupid cardboard helmet wearing face with my cardboard guitar. It kicked off something. We then proceeded to trash our cardboard instruments, slamming them around like the best drunken rock stars, as if our cardboard instruments betrayed us somehow, not properly tuned by the cardboard guitar techs no doubt, and we had piles of cardboard blow with cardboard hookers awaiting us back in this city's cardboard Double Tree hotel.

We then fled the stage, cardboard shrapnel scattered across the carpet. Embarrassed. Ashamed. Polite applause trailed us after we stormed off the stage area. We didn't hit anyone with a pie. Steven and I sat huddled in an adjacent room, under the stage we used for Sunday morning puppets, hiding from the rest of the Valentine's banquet. To this day, I think that the whole cardboard band incident would have been hilarious if you saw it on TV, like we punk'd a church basement of 14 year olds with some Office style awkward-comedy (awkwardedy?). We were just ahead of our time is all.

viva el mustache


Jorge said...

After reading that anecdote, I was really hoping you had the video of it.

And I can't speak for Dan, but putting "Turn Up the Radio" on BMS would call for a facial reddening.

DeWolf said...

I'm okay with any Autograph song appearing on BMS. They blow.