July 8, 2009

Reach the Goal and Fail


This month it feels a little like I'm making goat piss out of champagne. I'm reporting that I've lost the 5 pounds this month. For full disclosure about the weighing process this morning might be get lovingly labeled over-sharing, so I'll save you all the exquisite details, but suffice to say it was not cheating for the need was present when I woke.

Here's the real problem though, I had lost more than 5 pounds this month. I was sitting close to 245 to 247, and that pre-working out weight, mind you. Post working out, I saw once 242. So I was feeling pretty good. And this is after missing some time for being ill this past month. I was out like a week. That's when the weight was good and low. I got back to working out then my knee problem flared up so I had to take it easy for a day or two and then I had two or three bad food days. I didn't gorge myself on fried, salty foods, but it was more than my typical intake when I'm watching what I eat. And there were days of beer, particularly the last two nights.

And then today, weigh-in day, the weight is at the goal, not exceeding the goal where I thought I was. I even had this other post planned, even wrote some of it in advance, and it was going to be a little different of the weight posts, mostly positive, maybe even kind of funny and revealing about what it's like to live with me as I think and think and think about losing all this tonnage. But, nope, you don't get to read that one. Gonna have to wait until next month when I'm not so wrapped up in what feels like a bit of failure. Even though it isn't a failure, I know, I know, but I was under 249...I was doing better and then, well, then I got here from taking my eye off the prize. I got comfortable and was, heaven forbid, happy about the weight progress and just didn't let it sit on my head like a lard turban. So came the swell.

No wonder I drank some beer, eh? All that self-imposed mental anguish and invented problems that overshadow what successes achieved. I need a little legal, cheap self-medication to get me through...but dammit, the calories! the weight! the water retention! Argh! There's just no winning this war if I can look at losing 5 pounds in 31 days, which is my stated goal for each 31 day period, and it still feels like failure, somehow.

So, back on the horse, diligently. No excuses, no breaks. Oh, but the All Star game is on this month and I'm going to be in St. Louis in a couple weeks so that means bored eating on the road and I have a week off from work where I'll be kicking around here uninterrupted to write my Kundera/Brecht paper for PhD applications (I haven't forgotten about that) so I will be around easy food access and a little bored, so you know what that means.

God, the temptations of life...I swear.

viva el mustache

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