October 12, 2009

New Pisser, New Problems


Where there are urinals, there are problems. Ain't nothing easy in this life, friends. Remember that.

Today, at my new job, I approached and proceeded to use the urinal. I noted, midstream, that a previous man had thrown a paper towel into the urinal. It was sopping wet already, and I was already pissing, so I figured what the hell. No point in risking serious injury to not pee on an already pissed all over paper towel.

I leave the urinal while two other guys walk in. I wash my hands and begin to leave the bathroom area, but not quite all the way gone, when one of the new arrivals had approached the urinal with the paper towel that I just used.

He then loudly proclaims something to the effect of, "Ah, who put a paper towel in here? What is this? Sixth grade?" It felt as if he was blaming me for the paper towel, which I did not do. The man then, presumably, moved to the next urinal to pee.

Rather than argue with a man with his dick in his hands and means me no harm, I walked right out of the bathroom, ignoring what I felt to be an accusation. Maybe it was just my heightened sense of guilt. I don't know.

But, I tell you, I keep thinking about it. Like, I want them to know that I'm not the asshole who threw that paper towel in that urinal. But, should I have actually turned around, re-entered the bathroom area and proceeded to proclaim my innocence to a pissing man? Would he even believe me, or would I be protesting too much? Leaving sure felt like it made me look guilty...but why should I have to defend myself against such things? And doesn't it break some kind of male bathroom ethic rules to stop my forward momentum, re-enter the bathroom area in order to make sure that I wasn't being besmirched by a man presently urinating? That's never the right choice unless that guy peeing is on fire and asking for help (in this scenario, if he's just on fire and not asking for help, I assume he thinks he can handle it and I'm never one to underestimate a person's ability.).

See, this was one of those classic no-win, mutually assured destruction scenarios.

What would you have done? What should I have done instead?

viva el mustache


Diana said...

Have you ever read the Sedaris essay "Big Boy"--your post reminds me of it.

Jorge said...

Fuck it. You didn't do it. If he brings it up outside the bathroom, he's breaking bathroom code and you can bust him on that. It's a dead issue, I think. You two will, however, be mutual urinal enemies for the rest of time. He could marry your sister and become your brother in law (or somehow get into your family) and you'd still be enemies. It's the way of the world.

Bryan said...

DJo, Yeah I do remember that Sedaris essay, but I did go back and read it after you mentioned it. However, under no circumstances would I have fished that paper out of the urinal or done anything to remedy the problem.

Jorge, Yes. You are right.

Word verification: emoles.