Breakfast for Men

Look above and wipe the slobber from your chin. Yeah, you know you crave the manliest breakfast. Hard to contain yourself when looking at a heaping bowl of cruncy testosterone isn't it. It'll be okay. There's a grocery store near you, and I'm sure they have plenty on the shelves...so go out there, buy all you can, fill up a kiddie pool and roll around in it, and get that man-breakfast all over you.

Of course, the above picture is of Cap'n Crunch...and from the looks of it, their holiday varietal. So, you may be asking...how is a children's sugary cereal so manly....Well, c'mon...why do you think...behold:

Mustache! What else could it have been? Lookit, I know there's a problem in the world today with kids hitting puberty earlier and earlier. Some people blame plastics, some blame beef hormones, others blame flourescent lights....but those sons a bitches blaming things must have never took a trip down the cereal and candy aisle, because science knows the power of the mustache, and exposing millions, yes millions, of children over many decades, to a mustachioed icon at such a young age would only catapult them into pubescence. And, as far as I'm concerned, that's an acceptable outcome. Ain't nothing wrong with puberty.

Also, let me say that I'm willing to bet some of you are thinking that meat, like bacon and sausage should be the man-breakfast. Okay, wise guy...you know of any mustachioed breakfast meat barons? Jimmy Dean got a mustache? Oscar Meyer? Yeah...thought so. So deal with it. You want to eat like a man in the A.M...saddle up to popcorn bowl full of Crunchberries...then, you're a man.

VIVA EL MUSTACHE!!!!!

by the way...i know that the photo of the box of cereal is from the 1980s...but has the cap'n always looked strung out and desperate for some shore leave?