THIS IS ZUCKERMAN'S FARM!

About a week ago, I finished reading Charlotte's Web, for what I think is the first time. I know, I know...shameful and the life. I believe that Charlotte's Web was read to me in the third grade by a teacher named Mrs. Writjes. Oh, how I loathe Mrs. Writjes. I won't call her mean, but I remember clearly that she taught me Europe was on the other side of Asia, like by China...where Kamchaka is on the Risk board. And third grade was also the time where I had my own moment where I wish I could have spoke to someone "pwivetwee"... yeah, I had an accident...it was number one, so no worries. What happened is that I had to go to the bathroom, and I was taught that I couldn't go to the bathroom unless I raised my hand, and Mrs. Writjes said I could go...so I raised my hand, and waved it frantically after a while...but I was ignored, so try as I might, I could not hold it anymore, and peed my pants. The other kids noticed the wet pants and the puddle before Mrs. Writjes, and I defended myself by saying, "I have a sweating problem!" Eventually it was all sorted out, I was sent home for new pants (but my parents worked, so I returned to school wearing new underwear and shorts of the kid of the woman who babysat me at the time. So, whatever...I haven't read Charlotte's Web, and I finished it...good for me. Then, later that day, I watched Frank Miller's 300 at the 2.50 theater here in Mankato.

Typically, you wouldn't think those two entertainments wouldn't have had anything to do with each other, but both taught me things I otherwise wouldn't have learned. So I present to you the things I learned on that day:1) Spiders are okay.

2) Death is a sad, unfortunate, eventuality.

3) Adults are dumb (seriously...a spelling spider isn't the story, but the pig that lives under the spelling spider?).

4) Geese are mischevious.

5) It takes a lot for people to realize how special we all are.

6) Rats and geese are assholes.

1) If I do not have scuplted abs, I am not a man.

2) Your wife will have butt-sex with your rival to start a war, if you are out of town.

3) People from Persia are 10 feet tall.

4) A man's life is defined by violence and death...any other kind of life is for pussies

5) There is nothing gay about 300 nearly nude men stabbing other men

6) Handicapped people will sell you out unless they get to play too

Also, I should note that there wasn't a single mustache in 300. Not a one. And it was supposed to be some kind of unfiltered overdose of manliness....and not one mustache? See, we all know Frank Miller has his limitations as a writer/artist, as he hits that extreme violence note over and over again, but how could he have ignored the mustache in a book about maleness? By god, that's like a book or story or movie about womanhood and not have a conversation about feeling bloated.

VIVA EL MUSTACHE