What you are about to read is truthy.
Once upon time in Duluth, Minnesota, in the not so distant past, our hero the Beta, was engaged in a furious bout of Ultimate Frisbee.
The game was going swimmingly, with the Beta's team winning, but it was a hotly contested match in the natural ampitheater of Leif Erickson Park. However, during the match, The Beta felt the urge to relieve himself. With the portapotties nearby occupied by a group of gassy seniors (there was a line), he decided to take urinary refuge amongst the trees. However, there was a problem.
His simple one, a common pee on a tree, had become a dire need for a two, and privacy. He was stumped with what to do. The portapotties still occupied with the old and stinky, and he was too far away from home to run there without dropping turds out of his pants leg. Luckily, he spied a nearby grocery store.
Clearly reeling from the pain of what can only be described medically as a shitstorm, he decided that he decides what this grocery store's restroom takes. He decides if it can handle ones or twos. Our hero is the decider. Our hero will redfine the SuperOne Foods Toliet.
He rushes through the store frantically, unable to find the bathroom. He can feel the sharp needly edges of the impending shitstorm. Then, finally, he see it:
Our hero exclaims, "Sweet relief!" And charges headlong into bathroom. Upon entering the stall, he spies a note on the toliet tank that reads "out of order." The Beta says aloud to the note: "Not today you ain't." and proceeds to take care of business.
What happened next is terror unbound. In what would have taken a normal man days to produce, the Beta unloaded into the toliet bowl with awful force and terrible sounds. That the other shoppers were concerned for his safety.
And for every happy ending, there is a sad part, just like how for every rom-com male lead, there is the one tool boyfriend who must get his comeuponence by the end of the movie. The discoverer of the Beta's unflushable mound, which was probably steaming and undulating like molten lava, was a teenage bagboy who was assigned to clean the bathroom. Undoubtedly, the unfortunate teen saw the mound, and quit his job immediately, which led the teen down a horrible sprial to the underbelly of Duluth's crime and drug scene. That poor, poor teen. And he is the reason why we must always remember, and never forget, that for every rainbow there is a cloud, and for every horrible disgusting thing we do, somebody who has made or will make poor life choices has to clean it up.
The game was going swimmingly, with the Beta's team winning, but it was a hotly contested match in the natural ampitheater of Leif Erickson Park. However, during the match, The Beta felt the urge to relieve himself. With the portapotties nearby occupied by a group of gassy seniors (there was a line), he decided to take urinary refuge amongst the trees. However, there was a problem.
His simple one, a common pee on a tree, had become a dire need for a two, and privacy. He was stumped with what to do. The portapotties still occupied with the old and stinky, and he was too far away from home to run there without dropping turds out of his pants leg. Luckily, he spied a nearby grocery store.
However, the title of the store was disconcerting to our hero. He needed a two, a desperate two, the kind of two that porcelain fears. But the store clearly advertised that it only accepted ones. The Beta is undettered.
Clearly reeling from the pain of what can only be described medically as a shitstorm, he decided that he decides what this grocery store's restroom takes. He decides if it can handle ones or twos. Our hero is the decider. Our hero will redfine the SuperOne Foods Toliet. He rushes through the store frantically, unable to find the bathroom. He can feel the sharp needly edges of the impending shitstorm. Then, finally, he see it: Our hero exclaims, "Sweet relief!" And charges headlong into bathroom. Upon entering the stall, he spies a note on the toliet tank that reads "out of order." The Beta says aloud to the note: "Not today you ain't." and proceeds to take care of business. What happened next is terror unbound. In what would have taken a normal man days to produce, the Beta unloaded into the toliet bowl with awful force and terrible sounds. That the other shoppers were concerned for his safety.The Beta, after cleaning himself, and reflecting on his mound, moves to flush the toliet. The toliet does not respond. He jiggles the handle. Nothing. The mound will not go down. So, our hero, The Beta, does what any of us would do after we blow six pounds of wet shit into a broken toliet. He flees. Steathily for sure, as he is our hero, and he escapes unscathed. No manager stopped him. No weary janitor asked him why his one took as long as a two. Nor did any of the concerned citizenry ask him if he was okay. He slunked away unnoticed and returned to the Ultimate Frisbee game where The Beta, now six pounds lighter, played the most magnificent game of Ultimate Frisbee of his life! And his team is victorious!!
And for every happy ending, there is a sad part, just like how for every rom-com male lead, there is the one tool boyfriend who must get his comeuponence by the end of the movie. The discoverer of the Beta's unflushable mound, which was probably steaming and undulating like molten lava, was a teenage bagboy who was assigned to clean the bathroom. Undoubtedly, the unfortunate teen saw the mound, and quit his job immediately, which led the teen down a horrible sprial to the underbelly of Duluth's crime and drug scene. That poor, poor teen. And he is the reason why we must always remember, and never forget, that for every rainbow there is a cloud, and for every horrible disgusting thing we do, somebody who has made or will make poor life choices has to clean it up.
VIVA EL MUSTACHE
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