I've Had It Up to Here With All This Pornography

Friends,

My television is afflicted with occasional free pornography. See, my television receives over-the-air digital signals, and because of that, I receive On-Demand signals. Now, I can't control the On-Demand signals nor can I choose what to watch, I am simply at the mercy of whoever in this building has On-Demand and I then can watch what they watch. Also, the signals can be weak, so sometimes my television will lose the signal of one program, then flip to the next available On-Demand signal. This presents problems.

Say someone in this building is watching Capote or another quiet intense character drama. I too would be watching it with them, then suddenly, poof, I loose the signal, and I am blasted with pornography replacing Phillip Seymour Hoffman's Oscar winning role with some comely lass taking some pole (see what I did there with the words?).

At first, I thought this was a godsend. Who turns down free pornography right? Plus, there was the added bonus that since these are On-Demand movies, the person who orders them can fast-forward or rewind, so sometimes the porn would rewind for sex scenes or fast forward through talky scenes. And that seemed funny to me. A bit of a pain in the ass if I'm trying to watch a Sopranos episode and the fucker who ordered it decides he can't understand what Tony is saying and has to rewatch a section six goddamn times.

But now, I'm sick of this pornography. I just wish it would go the fuck away. I still like the digital signals, but somebody here won't lay off the porn, and it's remarkably boring and uninteresting.

Maybe it's because the quality of the porn I'm getting is low-rent. I'm talking Cinemax After-Dark porn, so nothing interesting could happen. But, even with the more graphic porn that I sometimes get treated too (yeah, I'm talking the close up, ball-slapping kind), that just bores the hell out of me too. For one, its not like anything surprising is going to happen. Will the Asian girl take it from behind? Yes. They all take it from behind. There's no dramatic tension in those scenes.

First from the front, then behind, then the side...its like Swiss clockwork...might as well be an intro to creative writing sex scene it's so paint by numbers. During the proceedings, she'll say "Yeah" and "Fuck me" (as if he would stop fucking her...now if he did, that would be surprising...some porn guy just stopping halfway into it "Well, I'm sick of this. Get your pants on, Candi. Let's go rent Patch Adams.") They'll moan too...oh so convincingly. The guys will make the same pained expressions like their working hard to pull a bullet out of his leg, then viola, the load is blown, the scene is done. Yawn.

And it's like that everyday, all day. I can't avoid the porn. I'm starting to recognize the actors and actresses it's getting so bad. There must be some guy with a chaffed pecker or whole lot of Vaseline in this building. I'll tell you what though, I ain't shaking anyone's hand in this building anymore. Probably enough DNA on them to pass on a birth defect to me. And I shouldn't be sexist...it could be a woman ordering the porn too, so she could have a vagina worn out like an old leather shoe or enough lubricant to grease up The Statue of Liberty's hoohah.

Just enough with the pornography already. Seriously. Maybe go talk to girl or guy and go make some porn of your own than sitting around Saturday goddamn morning jerking it to a Girls Gone Wild and interrupting my watching of Dora the Explorer. I'll never know if her and backpack got to through the forest today...instead I got an eyeful of bounding titty. It's a disgrace.

No viva pornos!