I watched Peter Jackson's King Kong tonight, and it was pretty good. I did not moisten my mustache with tears, but it was a quality flick. Also, this is a movie that will make billions of dollars and advance the mustache revolution, therefore making it one of the most important movies in American cinemas today. However, in non-mustache related news, my viewing of King Kong was, without hyperbole, the worst theater experience anyone could possibly have. The seats were too narrow. We sat through the commercials, the previews, then SNAP...It goes to the still-frame pre-mercials, the house lights come up and the MovieTunes kick on. Five minutes later, the movie starts (already in progress) underneath the still frame commercial with the house lights up. Once that is solved, people begin chatting on the their cell phones. They quiet, then this one child talks, cries, wanders up and down the aisle and whines throughout at least two of the three hours of this movie. AND it wasn't stadium seating to begin with. Amazing that I enjoyed the movie at all considering I hit the "Annoying Movie Shit" jackpot. Now, I give you: Kong IS Mustache.
Kyle Chandler (mustache-less douche pictured to the left) plays Bruce Baxter: movie star. Bruce tags along on the Venture on their journey to S-K-U-L-L Island. Now, Baxter, being an ass-hat, has brought posters of his movies with him and has decorated the walls of his room on the boat with them. Later, a rascal (or perhaps roustabout) named Jimmy sneaks into Baxter's room and defaces the posters by drawing on Baxter's face. On one poster Jimmy (rapscallion?) drew a healthy mustache on Baxter's face. Baxter is intrigued by the mustachioed version of himself. He looks into a mirror, holds a comb under his nose and sees a marvelous, manly, virile man sporting his masculinity. Now, true, the real effect is comic relief...BUT, later in the movie Baxter's manliness is brought into question when he is the first one to leave the hunt for Ann Darrow (a 35 year old named Naomi Watts). We know from the mustache envy scene that Baxter lacks the testosterone to be a real, hairy man, so it makes sense that he is the first to go (plus he makes some speech about just being an actor...But the MUSTACHE). But, he later returns and rescues Jack Black, the Pianist and Tom Hanks' kid from some nasty crickets and scorpions. Baxter's return is foreshadowed by his want for a mustache. He wants to be manly. Which was obvious from his mustache-envy shown earlier in the flick. (Remember, a mustache means respect and masculinity.) The only way for him to become a real man, since he is `stacheless is to rescue his friends. Thus I have proved that MUSTACHE is vital to Kong. And Mustache is manly.
Also in Kong, one of the more beloved characters is Lumpy, the ole grizzled cook who has sailed these seven seas (argh). He even keeps on eye closed to honor Chester, Illinois creation Popeye (who was also a sailor). Lumpy is played by Andy Serkis, who is British. While it is hard to understand what he is saying, the stache he sports has musk. The Mustache is Manly relation in Peter Jackson's King Kong is illustrated with Lumpy, who has had a rough life, clearly a strong man, and so bad-ass he wears his cook apron in the jungle to look for Ann Darrow because he can. Lumpy is a man, he doesn't care what anyone thinks, he's going to wear his apron, he's going to wear a beret, he's going to grow one sweet corner-of-the-mouth-turner complimented with heavy stubble. And, he's going to go try to save the girl. Whew...Manly. Lumpy, while not the greatest man in King Kong, he is a crowd favorite. Also it is appropriate that what finally brings Lumpy to his doom is a devouring, extendo-, penis-worm. Nothing more manish than that, thank you. Also, let us not forget that Kong himself is the man of this movie. He's huge. He has back and ass hair. He likes it when people fall down. Loves blondes. Hates Adrian Brody. Pounds chest when happy. That's a man, man, MAN. If gorillas had the ability to have a mustache, then Kong would have a Sam Elliot that would make Sam Elliot say damn.
(Lumpy with `stache. Awarded the inaugural Best Mustache in Billion Dollar Movie honor. Congratulations Andy!)
Final note about Kong is Mustache is that Jack Black is in this movie. Ole Jack, feeling the pull of being in a movie about masculinity decided to sport his own mustache. While it is a weaker stache in terms of fullness, bushiness and length, we at B.O.M.M. do not discriminate because of one's genetics. A mustache is a mustache and should be embraced and lauded. Nice `Stache Mr. Black, who is the recipient of the inaugural Best Frowning Mustache in a Tuxedo and Best Mustache in Tights on a Hill honors. Congratulations Jack on your double win!
Kyle Chandler (mustache-less douche pictured to the left) plays Bruce Baxter: movie star. Bruce tags along on the Venture on their journey to S-K-U-L-L Island. Now, Baxter, being an ass-hat, has brought posters of his movies with him and has decorated the walls of his room on the boat with them. Later, a rascal (or perhaps roustabout) named Jimmy sneaks into Baxter's room and defaces the posters by drawing on Baxter's face. On one poster Jimmy (rapscallion?) drew a healthy mustache on Baxter's face. Baxter is intrigued by the mustachioed version of himself. He looks into a mirror, holds a comb under his nose and sees a marvelous, manly, virile man sporting his masculinity. Now, true, the real effect is comic relief...BUT, later in the movie Baxter's manliness is brought into question when he is the first one to leave the hunt for Ann Darrow (a 35 year old named Naomi Watts). We know from the mustache envy scene that Baxter lacks the testosterone to be a real, hairy man, so it makes sense that he is the first to go (plus he makes some speech about just being an actor...But the MUSTACHE). But, he later returns and rescues Jack Black, the Pianist and Tom Hanks' kid from some nasty crickets and scorpions. Baxter's return is foreshadowed by his want for a mustache. He wants to be manly. Which was obvious from his mustache-envy shown earlier in the flick. (Remember, a mustache means respect and masculinity.) The only way for him to become a real man, since he is `stacheless is to rescue his friends. Thus I have proved that MUSTACHE is vital to Kong. And Mustache is manly.Also in Kong, one of the more beloved characters is Lumpy, the ole grizzled cook who has sailed these seven seas (argh). He even keeps on eye closed to honor Chester, Illinois creation Popeye (who was also a sailor). Lumpy is played by Andy Serkis, who is British. While it is hard to understand what he is saying, the stache he sports has musk. The Mustache is Manly relation in Peter Jackson's King Kong is illustrated with Lumpy, who has had a rough life, clearly a strong man, and so bad-ass he wears his cook apron in the jungle to look for Ann Darrow because he can. Lumpy is a man, he doesn't care what anyone thinks, he's going to wear his apron, he's going to wear a beret, he's going to grow one sweet corner-of-the-mouth-turner complimented with heavy stubble. And, he's going to go try to save the girl. Whew...Manly. Lumpy, while not the greatest man in King Kong, he is a crowd favorite. Also it is appropriate that what finally brings Lumpy to his doom is a devouring, extendo-, penis-worm. Nothing more manish than that, thank you. Also, let us not forget that Kong himself is the man of this movie. He's huge. He has back and ass hair. He likes it when people fall down. Loves blondes. Hates Adrian Brody. Pounds chest when happy. That's a man, man, MAN. If gorillas had the ability to have a mustache, then Kong would have a Sam Elliot that would make Sam Elliot say damn.
(Lumpy with `stache. Awarded the inaugural Best Mustache in Billion Dollar Movie honor. Congratulations Andy!)Final note about Kong is Mustache is that Jack Black is in this movie. Ole Jack, feeling the pull of being in a movie about masculinity decided to sport his own mustache. While it is a weaker stache in terms of fullness, bushiness and length, we at B.O.M.M. do not discriminate because of one's genetics. A mustache is a mustache and should be embraced and lauded. Nice `Stache Mr. Black, who is the recipient of the inaugural Best Frowning Mustache in a Tuxedo and Best Mustache in Tights on a Hill honors. Congratulations Jack on your double win!
(Frowning Mustache in Tuxedo Winner 2005: Jack Black)
(Mustache in Tights on a Hill Winner 2005: Jack Black)
This may have contained spoilers to Peter Jackson's King Kong. But go to your local theater to see it now! (Avoid children, cell phones, tiny seats and incompetent theater workers for maximum pleasure).
Viva el mustache!
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