June 30, 2009

Head, Face, Look & Worry, Worry, Worry


I need a haircut. And it's a sad day in Bryanville because there's very few hairs left on my head. I'm not rocking the hair-horseshoe or a comb-over or anything drastic. Just doing the prematurely bald young man thing that seems to be the style in that you get it cut short, then comb the top hair forward to disguise as much as the hair loss as possible.

Anyway, I hate going to Great Clips or wherever to pay 15 bucks for someone to cut 8 dollars worth of hair. And, also there's all that clever banter with the stylists that can be either fun or mean, depending on who you get. The Great Clips by my apartment has been good so far, especially this one person who hit me with a comb when I said I was just going to shave my head. "You just have a lot of natural highlights in your hair," she said referring to that scalp-and-hair look I've got going on. She's cut my hair a couple times, so if it's her, okay, I can deal with that because at least she's funny. That one mean lady in Mankato who told me about the "thick patches" I have in my hair, well, she can fuck off.

All this leads to seriously consider shaving my head. I've talked about it a lot because I just don't know what to do about it. I've even talked to people I don't know that well (hi, Monica, if you're reading this) about my potential as a shaved-headed man. It's just such a big step for me for any number of reasons.

First, I don't want my shaved head to be like a center of attention thing. I'm a big, tall guy with a big, tall head, so shaving this down...I'm going to be hoisting around this albino sun on my neck. And what must be some vestigial shyness and high school worry, I don't want people looking at me like I'm a freak or a cancer patient or a freakish cancer patient.

Also I'll have to shave down the eyebrows, which I'm afraid I could fuck up and I'm not interested in having some stylish Vanilla Ice vertical stripes or anything strange, like I'm permanently surprised.

Then, I just realized this but I'm going to have to get new glasses because my current specs won't work with a bald head, so now I'm worried about my whole wardrobe. I don't know if I have "shaved head guy clothes." And there's that I'm still looking for a job so I can't look like a goof because I've had enough crap luck in job hunting, I don't need something like looking weird hamstring me...and what if I have a real lumpy head...what would my mom say and how much will my dad laugh at me...jesus, same with my relatives because I know my parents will say something to at least my Uncle Gail who hasn't ever missed a shot to give me shit since I refused to sell him a baseball card 20 years ago because I thought he was hustling me...God, what about the Christmas pictures we were going to send out this year...and shit, winter will be ferociously cold on my noggin and I'll need thicker knit hats...

What the fuck am I doing? Why am I wringing my hands about this? Who cares right? Man up and do it, buddy. I know. Believe me. Each time I think about doing it, like when I was just about to buy the shaving kit from Target...I get flooded with all this stuff. Why is this such a hard decision to make because, really, it's not like nature isn't making me bald anyway, so why not control my own destiny?

But, but, but...

Guh. Right now, the plan is to try to hold out until I turn 30 and on my 30th birthday, shave the head. That seems okay to me. People are supposed to do something fun or whatever for their 30th, so why not, right? Though, will I be able to get over myself and my worry then? Is it even a good idea?

And after all this, you know what...I still need a haircut. Dammit. I hope that one funny lady is working at Great Clips today.

viva el mustache


Emily said...

Bryan, my love, I will learn to knit hats just for you.

Luke said...

Cut your hair really short before you shave it. That way you can figure out if you want to go skinhead or not. One thing you could try... my little brother used Rogaine or one of those other medications you can put on your head to stimulate hair growth. It worked pretty well for him, but it made his eyebrows come in really fuzzy.

Bryan said...

Oh, shit, fuzzy eyebrows? Man, that's the last thing I need is my eyebrows amplified.